Paler, not quite so fair as in her life,
She lies upon the bed, perfectly still;
Her little hands clasped with a patient will
Upon her bosom, swelling without strife;
An honoured virgin, a most blameless wife.
The roses lean upon the window sill,
That she trained once; their sweets the hot air fill,
And make the death-apartment odour-rife.
Her meek white hands folded upon her breast,
Her gentle eyes closed in the long last sleep,
She lieth down in her unbroken rest;
Her kin, kneeling around, a vigil keep,
Venting their grief in low sobs unrepressed: ?
Friends, she but slumbers, wherefore do ye weep?

death can come anytime.
today, one of my schoolmates passed away.
brain tumour.
he has been in hospital for about over 6 months.
i dont know him personally, havent spoken to him before, and i'm very sure he doesnt know me.
but i feel affected.
i felt so affected that when i went to buy food, it seemed pointless.
food was now just food. clothes were just clothes. they were just things.
sure they were things that we cant do without but they were just things nontheless.
the day just suddenly seemed different. the clouds were different, the sky was different, the people were different, words exchanged were now pointless and empty, silence was too loud and the noise was too hollow.
everything changed.
i couldnt help but think of his 18 years spent; did he enjoy everyday? regrets? love? experience? family? friends?
i couldnt help but feel that he didnt deserve this. an 18 year old and brain tumour. seems nearly ridiculous.
but there it is.
blantantly put before my face by some cruel force.
its just not right.
somethings shouldnt happen.
it put everything into a certain perspective and i start questioning myself; my life.
do i have regrets? definitely.
have i lived every day to its fullest? nope.
should i? more importantly, can i? is it possible in this time and age to live life to its fullest and die happy or are we just conforming to what society wants us to do and what society deem as rights and wrongs and in the process, living our life mechanically and in chains, forever fearing that we will be shunned?
this is difficult and i guess all i can do is try.
somethings shouldnt happen.

i hold the power of life and death for every person i take with me
the desert is a capricious lady,
and sometimes she drives men crazy

went to telok kurau's installation today with kit.
something really stupid happened.
we went to eunos mrt station and then to the bus stop nearby where we took the wrong bus (no that's not the something stupid that i was talking about). so, obviously, we got down immediately and decided to walk there instead.
at that time, the heavy rain had softened to a slight drizzle. so there were lots of puddles that were just waiting to be splashed about everywhere.
a bus was riding past and they next thing we knew, our bottom half was all drenched.
the bus had splashed us with water as it drove past!
its like those american flicks where this sad and depressed girl walks the streets of new york (and its starts raining) trying to hail for a cab, only to find the cab totally rejecting her and spraying, no not spraying, splashing her with water along the way, leaving her there more sad and depressed than she felt in the beginning.
lol.
we felt really really really stupid.
but i'm not gonna forget it anytime soon man.

asked ekta and nut to speak to me in hindi as much as possible whenever they see me.
hopefully this will strengthen my command of this language, though none of my fingers are crossed.
nothing much happened in school per se.
on wednesday though was racial harmony day and the day of the sea carnival.
we had to recite this declaration for racial harmony day. it was quite amusing to watch the whole audi stand up and recite this silly little thing. its like being sworn in for something akin to presidency.
i blew sea carnival (as did 70% of the J2 population i guess).
went out with kit and jeremy. ate katong laksa (it was much needed chelestrol therapy) then went to town, for the simple reason of having nothing else better to do.
one thing lead to another and soon we were in (mosquito infested) fort canning. it was actually really fun.
there were numerous narrow, dark tunnels called sally ports that ran through the ground and up gates. soldiers used these to get from one place to another quickly (in a nutshell, i think). it was so cool exploring the tunnels (though we only went through 2).
its like going in at one place and coming out somewhere else.
imagine how the soldiers felt during those tumultuous times of WWII. kinda scary just sitting and waiting for your turn to go out into the open field and fight for your country.
nonetheless, the place was really nice and i want to go back there again when its all dark. i think that it would be really scary. (fun fun)
also saw a wall with epitaphs, and i'm not just talking about one single epitaph; it was like epitaphs-r-us. there were like 100s of em. kinda shocking. i mean with the war and all you expected people to die while fighting, but to actually see these writings was a whole different experience.
jeremy, who's really afraid of anything supernatural, was too scared to go near the wall, or even spend more than a second looking at it. he was even so afraid that he took great pains to avoid walking past the Keramat. (needless to say kit and i aka the-brave-ones visited the Keramat). that fellow is weird. even talking about it makes him freak out.
lol.
anyway...
we slowly walked to clarke quay by cutting across the park. on the way i familiarised myself with the frangipani tree and the scent of its flower.
just in case.
walked past the reverse bungy jumping contraption (which kit and i will take during her birthday. i'm freaked.), and onto the train for home.
was really a fun day.
learned alot.

found out today from the interact teachers that the cme board wants the exco of the interact club to give a talk to the J1s (the entire lot of the sorry bunch) about cip. i was freaked, and i did a double take when i found out that the tentative date for the presentation is week plus away.
argh!
and i thought i was done with interact.

i need to learn hindi.
no wait, i want to learn hindi!
its just so sad that i only know how to understand it and not how to speak it (properly) or write it! its so frustrating cos its such a nice language!
i must learn it. so i'm gonna take a course after the A levels and my mum is willing to pay the $150++ required.
really expensive but what the hey.
 

an ode to gays:
saw the last episode of oc. it was about this jock's father being gay and him finding out by accidentally walking in on him and his partner/lover at the office and how this ruins the whole family.
well it is true, utterly devastating for the wife that he wasnt honest in the first place. its like being cheated on and furthermore by another man.
for the jock, (who displays disgusting jock like qualities), the one who name-called others 'fag' and 'gay', well he had a taste of his own medicine. i wont deny that i enjoy watchin a jock crumble emotionally as much as the next non-jock, but i felt sorry for the assho... i mean, guy.
he was really close to his dad and now, its like he's lived a total lie. its like he didnt even know dad to begin with. it was heart renching.
but as all shows, he did listen to his dad and i assume they worked it all out. road to recovery and all that jazz, even though i think a divorce is inevitable.
so this is all fine and dandy and youre probably wondering when i get to my point.
patience.
this jock wanted to skip school to give everyone at school (who inevitable found out due to the awesome powers of gossip mongering) a day or two to 'adjust'. to this his friends replied that it was pointless as people are bound to remember this and well, they'll just keep on buggin you if you like it or not.
it was this that got me thinking.
 
'...people will still bug you about it...'
it just shows, unfortunately, that gays are still very much ostracised even in america where democracy is just about thrown into every decision.
PM Goh said this in one of those speeches that i remember watching:
'the gay lifestyle is no illegal but it is discouraged'
and i was like huh?
how can you discourage something that just is. its just stupid and tettering on the brink of communism.
if you feel that the opposite sex is not your cup or tea, or rather if you feel that you are attracted to the people of the same sex then so be it. it is not illegal. there is nothing wrong with that.
so if the problem doesnt lie in politics of legalities, where is the issue centered?
obviously this is an easy question to answer.
socially people tend not to accept gays.
why? many reasons.
firstly the older generation look upon it as a taboo. in singapore that basically covers more that 50% of the darn population. can you imagine the pressure that is placed upon you to conform when over 2 million people disagree with who you are or what your preferances might be? its horrible. a gay would probably conform for the sake of conforming, living a life of total unhappiness. poor chap.
lets now put ourselves in a hypothetical situtaion where we tragically wipe out the older generation. would this problem still exsist? i should think so.
biological factors will inevitably come into play. guys are suppose to like gals and vice versa. period.
anything else, some might say, is unnatural.
however we have to consider, the only reason that people bring up biological reason to this age old arguement is the act of copulation. that's it. sure gays cant make babies but i dont think that the first reason why someone goes in search for a partner. love is probably the main reason. i'm sure many, including the males, have had fantasies of movie-like love tales happening to them. same goes for the gays. the are in search for the right partner, just like the rest of the heterosexuals. there is nothing wrong with that.
another reason why gays are ostracised is probably because people just need to occupy themselves with such gosspis about MR who and MR who getting it on together. sure its juicy and absolutely fun to hear about (i've had my fair share of gossip mongering thank you very much. and for a loud mouth like me, its liberating. lol.) but at the same time its inconsiderate and just plain rude. i believe that eveyone has the capacity to accept. we humans have the most complex cerebrum with many folds and creveces, an indication of our intelligence and how we are more superior than the rest of the organisms on earth. acceptance is something that we are more than capable of, its just that we reufse to do it. this in turn leads to social isolation of this minority.
also, gays being the minority feel intimidated. this, unfortunately, makes it easier for the heterosexuals to pick on them and start lowering their social standing.
religon. many religons do not condone the act of being gay. this is a very difficult, not to mention touchy point to argue, but i believe that everyone is entitled to how they should feel and act even though their religon may not be supportive in general. also, religious orders should not shun gays when they need divine attention. in my opinion that is wrong and extremely biased.
no matter what i think that it is important to accept people for who they are. they are not abnormal just because they do not comform to what society expects them to be and that does not give the rest of us the right to ostracize them whenever we feel like it. just as we came to accept cultures, races and people of colour, i'm sure that we are prepared for another variation that will undoubtably keep incresing in number.
 

sort of handed over the club to the new exco already and i couldnt be happier. though i'm starting to question the new board's dynamics.
hope they do fine.
went to the raffles rotaract induction yesterday with kit. it was as lame as i expected it to be.  you had all sorts of people; from a loud nearly obnoxious hokkien-speaking malay-looking woman to distinguished people who were all dolled up and laughed at the silliest possible things.
talk about a generation gap.
kit and i had a ball of a time laughing at those baffoons and pigging out at the same time. it was enjoyable yet extremely irritating.
painfully fun i guess.
 
other than that, i have been really bored this week. there is nothing to do. and with all the lecturers counting down to the prelims... ergh.
that about sums it all up. cant wait to get this exam over and done with.
after which is party party party.
 

had a sore throat yesterday.
then i had laska, durian pancake and orange juice.
i feel much better already.

school was blah.
nothing much happened today.
talked to cassie to ask if she was ignoring me. she said no and that for once she did not have a proper answer for me.
so far the two of us have been on sms terms only.
what can i do right?
on the plus side, my relationship with jeremy, is for some reason, improving. lol. i know that our good relationship is no surprise to anyone and this may not seem blog-worthy but still i feel that there is a change whenever we communicate.
at least something good is happening.
oh yea and i got a B instead of a C for math. (unenthusiastic yippee).
so that makes my grades: B C C C
drats, that doesnt make a word.

the moment i let go of it
was the moment i got more than i could handle
the moment that i jumped of of it
was the moment that i touched down

why?
what a strange life i have.
sometimes i just wish i didnt have it.
why do things have to be so difficult sometimes?
why do they annoy and intrigue me at the same time?
why do i act so well?
why do i contradict myself?
why does it hurt when i bleed?
why am i afraid of the blood?
why am i such an idiot?
why am i so dumb?
why am i so foolish?
why am i not foolish enough?
why do i fear?
why am i so insecure?
why do people tell me what to do and how to feel?
why do they not understand?
why must i carry on?
why do the days sometimes drag and sometimes move so fast?
why cant some things take place?
why must some be the way the are?
why are some things just immposible when they tell me nothing is?
why?

watched spiderman two today.
was really good, cept for some really cheesy parts.
i raelly like the weird chinese woman who sang spiderman while plucking the strings of her violin.
lol. that was just stupid and much needed humour for the show.
the second show is much better than the first, no question about that, and i think there is going to be a third. (very obviously so if you ask me).
felt really sorry for tobey's character; he felt so lonely and stuff. lost his best friend the love of his life all because he couldnt tell the truth.
kinda sad.

my eighteenth birthday.
my previous post was typed down when i came back from drinking with jeremy, shu hui, shah, neeta, zhen yi and cassie.
and yes, from what i remembered its all true.
i still feel the same as i did when i typed all those words down, maybe even more now that i'm sober.
i love her.
i got high after the tequila shot and lets just say that cassie got high somewhere around that cos i honestly dont remember.
then we all just went around hugging each other and feeling really happy.
i dont know if she knows this but i kept looking at her, how pretty she looked, how good her hair looked like that how her eyes made me just melt into goo.
it felt really... well it felt really nice.
then the next thing i knew i was beside her talking i think and well we started touching, holding hands and stuff, caressing and then we hugged i think.
then she told me what i did not want to hear.
she said that what happened that day will remain only for that day.
tears just came out from no where and then she said,
save your first kiss for someone you love.
so i kissed her.
it was the most fantastic feeling i felt. kissing the one person you feel so strongly about.
of course the rest tried to stop us but somehow we kissed again for a minute plus and like i said it was beautiful.
after that they pulled us back again and i walked away and started crying.
i cried like a big baby.
crying because i felt sad, miserable, guilty. did i take advantage of her? did she feel what i felt cos she did say that she wished things could be different and that we just cant start anything new. why? i didnt ask but maybe its something to do with her leaving for aust in december.
i shouldve asked, but i was too sad i guess.
she also started crying (i think) and when i saw that i nearly lost it. i think i twisted jeremy's arm (sorry) so that i could get to her. but jeremy and zhen yi pulled me back. it was weird but i couldnt stop myself.
i was worried.
i cried somemore and this time i felt what i thought i'd never feel.
i felt heartbroken.
it was horrible.
jeremy and zhen yi sent me home and yea that's about it.

now, i dunno what i 'm feeling. i still like her but what am i to do about it. people say move on but ha! i'd like to see em do it.
i just hope she's okay.
i should talk to her.
my eighteenth birthday.

I’M EIGHTEEN
And I love cassie
I just got home fomr drinking and I am extremelt drunk, no i mean high
I miss cassie
I love her.
I really really love her
She told me that what ever happened tonight can only remain tonight and that she liked me,
I was totally wasted
I was gone
I cried when she told me that and she was sad too.
Then I kissed her I was in heaven cos it weas the persom that I loverd!
I love her
I really really love her
I kissed her for a minute plus and then we stopped and fuckin friends stopped us.
I really really love her
I want her here with me. I miss her
I like her totally.
I want her for me only.
I worry about her
I want her
I creid the moment I wan spareate from her I klove her so much, I want her
I creid na nakaele and Jeremy came to placate us.
I really love her
I was really drunk by the way and I love her.
I really really love her.