the beast

i see the lion in its den
i know it is a lion, and what that implies
i want to touch it, to pet it, to be close to it again
but it is a lion, and i know what that implies
i have felt its fur on my cheeks, its warmth against my body and even its mighty embrace
but i have also felt its sharp claws, its bite, the bite that ripped my flesh
yet i want to touch it, to pet it, to be close to it again
even though it is a lion, and i know all that it implies
it beckons, it purrs and i stand outside the mighty beast's cage,
deciding if it is still a lion, if it is still all that it implies
i tell myself no, i give myself warnings, but the purring grows stronger
the memory of warmth and flesh is strong and yearnings are strong
i see the lion, i hear the lion, and i know all that it implies
but i step into the cage, even with admonishments fresh in mind
the lion purrs and warns, "i am a lion, i am all that it implies"
yet i reach out and stroke its mane, i pat its flesh and wait for the embrace
its paws wrap around me and hold me and the warnings are still not silent,
they still go on, for it is a lion, and i should know all that it implies
indeed i do, but i return the embrace anyway
and the lion smiles, as do i
and the lion's warning rings once more, "i am still a lion, i am still all that it implies"
i nod, understanding, but i do not leave the cage,
i do not rush out afraid that i'll get hurt, for it is after all a lion, and i fear what that implies
i should rush out but truthfully i dont want to rush out
it is nice in the lion's cage, it is nice in its embrace
i warn myself, to be careful, to not let its paws wrap around too tight,
to still be weary, to watch carefully its every move,
to watch carefully my every move, to not antagonize, to not get too close
its claws and jaws have have caused much pain, pain to painful to relive
should i wait in its comforting embrace for the inevitable bite
for it is a lion, and will be all that it implies
or should i leave with my flesh intact and unhurt
i stare the beast straight in the eyes as i feel its firm grip around my back
i question "how did i come to hug a beast like you"
maybe the fault is mine for walking into the cage and not locking it shut
maybe the fault is in the beast, the audacity of it purring and beckoning after tasting flesh
faults are tiring to deal with,
what i know is i am cheek to cheek with a lion, and i must be weary
weary not to give it a chance at my flesh once again, to not allow it to shred me to bits
for it is a lion, and that implies very much

alright once again from the top

school's starting soon and as usual i cannot wait. i always cannot wait for sem 1 to start (i never feel this way about sem 2). 3 months of holidays can get boring after a while. i mean, i did do stuff nd occupied myself like scuba and going out and meeting up with people and spending time at home (not like i had a choice to do that last bit) but school means seeing friends again, chatterbox, living in pgp and general learning... and i'm not afraid to say it, i like learning.

i be a nerd and i wear my colours proudly.

though, this sem's going to be a tad sad. everyone is flying off for exchange, save for yif, moniza, myself, ank and a couple of others. so yea i will have people here that im close to but i have to say i will miss leonard muchly.

my timetable's not looking too bad this sem. much more sparse that usual which is always a good thing and i have most thursdays free, which is awesome because i've never really had a free day before. plus i'm taking really kick ass modules this semester (well most of them anyways). im doing this one usp module that im very excited about called understanding irony. im finally doing a lit class after 4 semesters. like i said, im excited because the prof is fun, the topic is interesting and my classmates are my friends (some of them at least). that said though, im pretty freaked out. i mean ive never really done lit and i dont know if i'll be good at it or if i'll just fail completely. we'll see i guess.

i think i'll have love with a side of forever

i had a very interesting conversation with yif the other day (i have to say that even though the boy is pigheaded as hell, he has the most insightful things to say when you give him the chance to… and, on a totally different point, it way too creepy how we’re really alike we are and how we seem to be going through similar issues). to sum it up, it boiled down to idea that loving someone is a choice we make. the first time i heard this idea was from another friend, and i have to say (this will come as no surprise to those who know me well) that i was quite against it. the fact that we choose to love someone seemed extremely unromantic, that the whole sh-bang of falling in love with someone is suddenly nullified. i mean, how can you expect to 'fall' in love with someone if you are making a conscious choice to love that someone? sure you can choose to be together, choose to get married and make a whole other range of choices to do with the relationship, but to choose to love...? it just seemed to contradict with everything i believed love to be and mean for me. worst of all, it made love no longer special.

but thinking about it for a bit made me realise that choosing to love someone could just be the hard cold truth that i just did not want to accept. maybe there is no fairy tale romance, no perfect someone out there, no 'falling'. you just find someone that makes you as happy as you do them and you choose to love them, you work hard at the relationship to make it work. you deal with the flaws and you compromise. in fact, i realise that i say stuff like "i want my current relationship to work". doesnt that imply that i am making a choice, for it to be a long term thing? nonetheless, i still find this very difficult to swallow (i guess most honest statments are). maybe its just me, in the process of shedding A BIT of my Romantic notions of love and me maybe confusing like/infatuation with love. i mean, infatuation and merely liking someone can come like that, the way people describe it in books and the way we see in movies, but i guess love takes time and (grudgingly i say this) choice.

this idea has forced me to think about my relationship. there was the said infatuation/like and the happy honeymoon period as it is so (annoyingly) called followed. do i love her? not yet, not in that way. there are things about her i not only do not like, but am not sure if i do, and i'm pretty sure there are things about me she dislikes as well, but as i said before, i want to make this work. why? is it because i think she's the one? or is it because i just dont wanna be alone or have reached that age where i think i should be with someone? i dont know the answer really. it's definitely not the latter but i really dont know if she's the one yet. i mean its only been barely 2 months.

should i know already? when do i choose to fall in love or not? and if the answer given to me is a sagely "you'll know when", which implies innate knowledge, then is it really a choice after all?

GAH. i'm driving myself insane with this back and forth-ness.