i sometimes wish that things could be out in the open, so that i can stop second guessing myself.
out in the open, straight to my face, all laid out on the table, either pull the trigger or throw the gun away. this is a difficult game to play and sometimes i wonder how in hell did i get here in the first place? i wasnt invited, wasnt sure if it even was a game. i just fell right into it. why is that always the case? all my life i've heard how simple it is to slip right into it, but how difficult it is to come back out. just like a kid struggling to climb back up a slippery slide. for the first time in my life i understand, i understand what its like to be that kid.
but the thing is i dunno if i should just slide right down, or start the climb up.

was suppose to go jogging with kit today at the tampines sports centre, but when we got there, the bloody stadium was occupied.
if there is a god, his sense of humour is brutal.

so we ended up dining at subway, the one in front of the stadium.
we ordered our sandwhiches and i got a drink for us to share. some time between our meal, i looked into the cup of drink we bought and guess what i saw.
it was a dead grasshopper, floating in coke. i showed kit and she confirmed it.
so all this while i was drinking coke with (as kit put it) essence of grasshopper. so what if i drank only 3 gulps, i had grasshopper together with the 6 inch. again with god's painful humour.
so we put the damn think a side and after finishing my food, i went up to the counter to report my stomach-churning find.

of course, they were shocked and they explained that grasshoppers sometimes hop in from the grass patch outside when customers open the door to come or go.
yea right you shitheads.

later in the meal, kit and i discussed the age old town mouse-country mouse issue. i told her that i was a country mouse and she said that she was a town mouse. (as if many of you wouldnt know already).
this is what she said when i aksed her what was so difficult in being in a place away from town:

'i'm an urban-ite. in sub-urban places i feel so fat.'

the first thing that hit my head was 'relavance?', but the only thing that escaped my lips were barrels of laughter, which continued till my sides ached.

guess i'll be doing my jogging later tonight then.
that is unless the big guy has something else planned up his sleeve.

found some really useful info about traditional hindu indian marriages. at least now i can go to a wedding without being a doofus about the whole thing.

hindu indian marriages are performed by priests who chant Sanskrit hymns and mantras in front of the sacred fire, while special indian wedding music - Shehnai in the North Indian weddings and Nadaswaram in the south indian weddings - are played.

a typical hindu indian marriage begins with the selection of an auspicious day, and time to perform the wedding. a day before the wedding, the bride's palm and feet are decorated with henna or mehendi. the indian wedding ceremony is conducted in a Mandap, a special dias decorated with flowers for the occasion.

the indian wedding procession of the groom, the Baraat, is a main event on the groom's side. the Baraat headed by a display of fireworks, accompanied by the rhythm of the dholak or melam, reaches the meeting point, where the elders of both the families meet and welcome the groom with garlands and aarati.

after this the bride, decked with the finest of jewellery, and the groom sit in the Mandap in front of the sacred fire, where the Kanyadaan is performed. Kanyadaan is the ritual where the bride is given to the groom by her father, symbolizing giving of the bride to Vishnu. next, the groom ties the knot. the ritual of Sradakshina follows, where the bride and the groom walk seven times around the sacrificial fire. the last stage of the indian marriage ceremony is the Saptapadi, where the bride and the groom take seven steps together facing the north, after which the bride shifts to the groom's left. the couple is now declared married.

cool huh? the whole procession is just so interesting and colourful.
cant wait to see it in real life.

stayed over at couz's house. slept really late and woke up way too early.
not a good thing.

went to town with bro sis and couz. i was choosing some shirts for prom with my couz and well, this is what happened.

me: nesh! (me calling out for my younger brother)
sales assistant, who will henceforth be known as gertrude: oh, he's your brother?
me: yes. why?
gertrude: i thought he was your son and...
me: yea?
gertrude: and she your wife (says gertrude pointing at my couz, who's standing right beside me)
me and couz: oh no no no.

couz and me started laughing.
where's my sis when all of this was happening you might ask?
she was holding all of our bags and chasing after my brother. so gertrude probably thought she was the maid. lol. it was silly.

this is the first time someone has accused me of being married, but definitely not the first time of being older than my age. do i really look that old? i dont think so right? i dont actually know how i feel about this. i think its funny but well...

anyway, back to shopping...

i bought two shirts, mainly because i couldnt decide which one i liked better. ones a maroon plain long sleeved that goes well with the black blazer and the other is a stripped blue one that looked really cool, also fine with the blazer.
so now i basically dont know which one to wear.
ah well, i still have 3++ days to decide.

no biggie.

watched the incredibles today.
yea yea it was good. (i dare you to say 'i say so' jeremy, i dare you.)
it was funny, interesting and full of action.
it was like nemo meets jerry bruckheimer, the action scenes were fantastic i tell ya.
especially the part where dash was running around trying to get away from the bad guys.
you guys should watch the show if you havent already done it.
definitely worth your money.

my exams are effectively over.
well there's still the minor detail of the s paper tomorrow, but what the hey!
its over over over.
now i can laze around and slack.
oh yea and catch up on sleep.

prom's in, lets see, 5 days! oh my... i still need to get my shirt, and well maybe accessorize, if i can find something to accessorize with in the first place.
and then there's dhanya's sister's wedding. what to wear, what to wear... another dilemma. well at least sis is helping me out with that issue.
(what will i do without her).

i was with jeremy and wr at this music store in tampines mall trying to kill our 5 hours (yes read right) break between papers. i stumbled upon this book with piano scores titled 'christian rock songs'. below are titles of some of the songs found in that book:

bring it on.
deeper.
dirty.
jesus freak.

if they sound at all religious to you, you are in need of dire help.

had physics 3 today. that was okay and with any luck, i might be able to squeez an a from that.

now all thats left is bio 1 and physics 5. oh yea and that stupid s-paper. what the hell was i thinking when i decided to take that up, cos i sure as hell cant remember now.

12 down, 3 more to go. (nearly there...)

was suppose to go to little india today to get some stuff for bro, plus i wanted to see if they had the devdas vcd. i still havent watched the show yet, so was planning to get it.
but, as always, there was a change in plans.
we went to tampines instead to get the stuff for my bro (white plain short sleeved shirt and some blue shorts for some play).

after hours of walking up and down tampines, which was so crowded it felt like the whole population was made to rest between pam aderson's boobs, we finally got what we were looking for. i was so freaking tired at the end of it. plus the noise and the increasingly increasing number of people that were there didnt actually help.
this is why i hate shopping. for me i usually know what i'm gonna get (or at least know the shop i'm gonna get it at) and just get what i want and go home, or fine somewhere peaceful to eat or drink and watch the world go by.

i just hate the hustle and bustle of life. the everyone's-got-a-place-to-go feeling. its irritating. why dont people just take it easy? why do we have to rush all the time? yea yea, i know i know the answer and i know that many of you do too. isnt it dumb that we live in a world where freedom is a cleverly woven illusion?

this is why sometimes i feel that i cannot live in s'pore all my life. the people are just too stressed out and indirectly i get stressed out because of them. i mean, whats the point? its just annoying.
people should learn to take it easy, to relax. i understand the reasons why some have to stress out and be busy some times but jeez people, stop and smell the roses for a second will ya?

i wanna move to a place with a small town atmosphere.
somehow, people there seem so nice and trusting and.. well everythin i want them to be. their life is so laid back and most of the time they take it easy. maybe its something in their coffee, or maybe they're doing something we're not.
dont get me wrong, i'm not asking for a one-way ticket to slothville. i just wish that sometimes we could take it down a notch.

where is my utopia when i need it.

i object!

went to sashi's house yesterday for her (belated) birthday party and for the record we didnt get lost at all. (in your face mel lee).

talked, ate and saw sashi for the first time. i have to say she surprised me. i expected her to look a little bit more crazy (if that makes any sense at all. think dhanya.) considering she's nutty as hell online. but she wasnt. she was quite the opposite. but of course she can be one witty woman if she wants to. lol.

sashi's sister (isha was it?) is adorable. i love kids that age. i wanted to pinch her cheeks till they fell off. and no i'm no paedophile. do paedophiles want to pinch cheeks off? i dont think so. (heard that sashi?) lol.

unfortunately, that house will now be remembered as the house where i watched olinda got voted out of s'pore idol. can you believe it folks? my favourite butch is out. now i'm rooting for taufik. he'd better win. i would hate it if sly won. can you imagine him representing singapore? *shudders*.

all in all i had a great time. i had fun, pigged out and made a new friend.
my social life is finally getting back on track.

physics 1 and 2 were okay. i'm glad that they're over and done with.

you know what guys? i really want a dog. and not just any dog. i dont want a slobbering bull dog or a poodle with a disgusting cut.
all i want is a schnauzer.
wouldnt having a dog be just awesome? the ever-present companionship, the cute lovable doggy eyes, all the doggy antics. argh!
i wanna i wanna i wanna.

9 down, 6 to go.

i was in primary 6 when i happened.
it was after school, i was busy doing something in class with two other classmates. it was your usual primary school scenario; kids being kids even though we plead so hard to be respected as young adults (maybe we still havent recovered from that stage yet). i was basically having fun with these other two guys, though i have no idea exactly what i was doing.
time flew by and soon enough, we had to leave.

one of the two friends that were with me was lagging behind. he was always a sloppy untidy kinda fellow, but likable nonetheless. my other friend and i were already outside the class waiting for the slow-ass to make his way out.
as he was approaching the door, i had this brilliant idea to slam the door in his face preventing him from coming out. you know that usual silly joke that we should have outgrown by now.
but i didnt slam the door, i told the friend that was outside with me to do it. he was bulky bodering on fat so i thought he could hold it down better that i ever could.
all i did was stand back and told him to press it down harder and harder, kinda cheering him on.

the friend inside didnt complain or whine or anything, so, as you can guess, we lost interest in this fast. when we opened the door, however, well.... lets just say that we didnt see this one coming.

he was lying on the floor, clutching his left wrist. his index finger was crushed. it looked like a bloody pulp connected to his hand or something. he was groaning in pain and tearing. come to think of it i'm kinda surprised that he didnt pass out or anything.
the pain he mustave felt...

we rushed him to the toilet to wash up the bloody pulp. (this is a no-no by the way. never do this.) we ran it under tap water and he howled in pain. it was here that i saw that finger upclose.
i could see his bones, and his nail was unrecognisable. his flesh was in bits and pieces, some still intact, some hanging by a thread piece onto his hand. blood, as you can imagine, was all over.

i ran to get help while the other guy stayed behind. the rest is as expected. the teacher came rushing, brought him to the hospital which was thankfully just across the street.
he recovered just fine and dandy. the scars are all's that left.

i'm sure the chap's fine and dandy now, unless he got some other part of his body wedged between the hinges of a door. thankfully, none of this impaired our friendship (which is as superficial as most primary school relationships are in my opinion) and life continued as if nothing happened.

i still feel horrible that this happened. i still remember the finger, aka bloody pulp attached to hand, and sometimes i think about it. about what i should've done and what i shouldnt've.

yesterday was my math 2, the last paper for math. i dont ever ever ever have to do math again. one subject checked.
had chem this morning. both went okay i guess.
physics tomorrow, both 1 and 2.

the exams end next week. i can hardly believe i'm saying this but its true; this is so surreal. i'll have so much time to enjoy, have fun and basically not study.
i cant wait.

7 down, 8 to go. (half way there, sorta...)

this picture is so hot.
and for those out there thats sick of reading posts about sex, well i cant help it. i blog whatever that i feel like blogging. seems like i'm in a sex phase. as for this, i found it while surfing the fooble website. i have no idea what its doing there.
but trust me folks, i have more depth then just boobs, legs, ass...

back to this hot hot hot picture.

i dunno what the deal is with men and lesbo sex. i even tried to think about the specifics as to why most males get turned on by this. but the moment the picture or whatever is it that had 2 (or more...) gals all over each other came on, my brain activity plummeted. i couldnt think.
so, i'm still pondering. maybe when i'm 65 and suffering from erectile dysfunction (god i hope not), i'll let you guys know.
for now, i'll just let it all sink in and enjoy.

if its any consolation, this picture does have an artistic feel to it dont you think?

why my mother is lovably mad (or why i am more matured than most 40 somethings) part II:

you know that youre mum is absent minded when one day, while she's looking for vegetables in the fridge, she says:

'so thats where i left it' and pulls out her purse amongst green leafy veggies.

and i thought i was forgetful.

i went into the kitchen to get something to drink.
mum was there, by the sink just looking out the window to the street.
people, mostly the malays with the hari raya visiting and all, were walking up and down the street.
she was just looking and well i thought i'd join her.
then suddenly she shouted, 'selamat hari raya!' out the window to a malay family. next thing i know she ducked. i panicked when the family started to look around.
not wanting to get framed, i ducked too.
then she started laughing like the mad insane woman that she is.

i thought age was suppose to make you wiser, not make you slip into a second childhood.

i took in all of the 6 inches that was presented to me.
not all at once of course, but bit by bit i was able to take the whole thing in and boy it was great. i loved the taste of it.
it was like twenty different flavours swimming in my mouth. of course i was a little bit messy, stuff kept dribbling down my mouth but i made sure that i liked it all up.
i didnt wanna waste anything of course, i wanted all of it.
it was so good that i didnt stop till i was done, not even to take a breather, and when i finally was, i wanted another.
my mouth felt so empty.

man, if only there was a subway in eastpoint; i could have my 6" sandwhich everyday.

i read this very interesting post by kev.
for those who dont already know, kev is easy-going gay fellow who lives across the causeway. his sexual escapades and the usual longings that many of us experience (love, better life, sex... the list goes on) makes his blog an interesting read.
but enough about kev...

does a good strong relationship almost always secures your sex life? and even if it does do i have to feel guilty about wanting it?

sex as many of us will definitely attest to (especially me) is good for a realtionship. as kev said, it solves problems even.
one minute your squabbling over some stupid little matter and wham! the next your in bed having a mind blowing orgasm and when its all over, you can hardly remember what the hell it was you were fighting over. (but you sure as hell was glad it happened)

in a open relationship sex is inevitable. maybe it'll happen on the first date, maybe on the fiftieth, but it almost always will happen, especially if its going somewhere. even after marriage, you'll be fucking like rabbits anytime and anywhere, morning, noon and night. (mmmmmmmm)
so yea, a relationship will reach its sexual peak sooner or later and from then on, wooohooo the ride's always open and you my friend, you have the vip unlimited pass.
think about it, its true isnt it?

but do we have anything to be guilty about? i sure as hell dont think so! (and its not because i'm one horny little shithead) as kev said, the comfort of a partner is essential and hell, it might even make the whole thing better. but dont go putting yourself in a relationship just because you want a fuck toy. thats just low and despicable.

so yea, getting in a relationship kinda secures this little sex factor. but i guess it comes with time, especially in sickeningly closed-minded singapore. and if intentions are good, why the hell feel guilty right? i'm sure its as good for you as it will be for your partner (just dont be selfish people).

i cant wait to get my vip pass... lol.

my blog is 1!
you heard that right folks, its one.
one year of ranting, emotional pourouts, goofing around and just having fun.
time truly flies doesnt it?

*raises up an imaginary glass of chardonnay*
here's to an other successful year!

woke up late on diwali morning, so late that i just got outta bed when the guests started to arrive.
thankfully it was only my couz, aunt and unc; second family to me, so no biggie.
the rest of the day was a blur of travelling, food, greetings, more food, getting bored, more travelling and more food.
i was so tired when i got back (not to mention full), but i still had to study. (so sue me, i'm a nerd)
damn the a levels.

this holiday, like many i've experienced, has lost its appeal.
its the same old bullshit every single year.
same people, same food, same stuff that we do, same nonsense that people talk about... its infuriating. its no different from any other outings i have with my extended family.
something fun should happen, something extra to spice this bland holiday. dont ask me what, my creativity level stops right there ladies and gentlemen.

its like national day. no matter how hard the organisers try to spice it up and make it different, it hardly ever is.
same songs, same cooky dance steps, same layout, same stunts...
same. same. same.
it just a different theme each year but the stuff as just reused.
and to further emphasise the illusion of difference, we have the organisers themselves going up in front of cameras giving us useless information about props, the number of people involved and backstage crap.

i need spice in my life.

had bio today which was erm... i'll just say that its tough and leave it at that.
math on the other hand was kinda like the total opposite.
i wont say anymore for fear of jinxing it. (yes yes i'm suprestitious, so what?)

5 down 10 to go.

had chem 3 today, it was fine i guess.
neither hard nor difficult.

oh and for those who were in hscs, remember mr foo? the pe cum math teacher, i think?
well he's the chief preceeding invigilator for the examinations so, i think he has to be present for every exam or something like that.
this is what he said at the end of the paper when the invigilators were collecting the scripts:

'please keep silence, there is still one candidates doing the paper'

somethings just dont change.

more than half of of the people who voted in the us elections were in favour of bush.
but, get this.
only about 33% are actually optimistic about his second term in office.

i didnt know if i should feel scared or just laugh.
i laughed.

are we still a nation that is strongly racist and can this come bite us back in the ass?

i really really dont think that that statement has an ounce of truth and i dont know if its because thats what i wanna believe.
i dont deny however that we are still racist to a teeny tiny extent. but to say that we are strongly racist is pure bullshit.

we have not see any riots so far that has matched the intensity as that in 1964 and neither have we had any heated debates or arguements that are based on racial and religious circumstances (as least i dont think so).
yet we are in a small way racist. ken whatsisname (yea that s'pore idol judge that has no emotions) told taufik that he should appeal to the masses, 'to other races'.
if that doesnt prove that were still racist to some degree i dunno what does. (and on national televison even!)

sure we stigmatise certain races, even i am guilty of this crime. sweeping statements like malays are failures in education, chinese are selfish and that indians are well... black have been heard and are still heard now. but does this qualify as being strongly racist?

i think the government has done a phenomenal job in integrating the different racial groups in s'pore and i'm sure they had a hell of a time too in the 60s and 70s. our society today is a testement to how well they've done. even if racist thoughts are still present today, i doubt that many will voice it out loud or will do something drastic about it. why?
simply because they do not want a repeat of what happened in '64 or they just dont want to cause trouble.
which poses another question: are we racist on the inside and living the life of a should-be s'porean on the outside? if so, isnt this like a ticking time-bomb?

personally i do not think that s'poreans, well a vast majority of them at least, are strongly racist.
the thoughts are, no doubt, there, but i dont think that many mean it. they're just there because its been there for decades, passed on from parent to child maybe. word like mat and mina are now even taken likely, though i doubt many would want to use it on a malay person that they do not know. i like to believe that many singaporeans see us as singaporeans, not s'porean-chinese or s'porean-malay or...

but the fact that these thoughts/words/feelings exist is kinda dangerous. in a weird way its silent-racism. a taxi driver i met once (he's indian by the way) rambled on and on about how the indians are treated unfairly in s'pore after asking if i was indian myself. personally i thought that he misunderstood certain things and was just talking crap, but it made me wonder, if i wasnt indian what would he have said. probably nothing racist but that doesnt mean that he didnt felt it or had it in him. isnt it scary?

well all i know is that we have to be careful. and what better way to have fun while being careful than to understand and appreciate each other by just having fun and integrating with the other races. you know, participating in the holiday and all the usual stuff.
even though we may not be strongly racist, history might repeat itself (as the fucked up cliche goes) and we dont want this to blow up in our face now do we?

the weather is fantastic.
its pouring and i love it.
people who know me well enough and have been to my house will know that i like the dark and will try my best to darken the house when no one's at home.
well no ones at home and if you're suffering from night-blindness, you would never make it to the kitchen from my room.
curtains closed, lights off, everythings just dark; the way i like it.

rainy weather always has an effect on me.
sometimes i feel sad and i start thinking, others just lonely and i think some more, sometimes plain old happy.
today i'm feeling something new.
youre gonna laugh.
its not what i'm feeling, its how its making me feel.
i'm feeling turned on.
the weather's teasing me and she doing a good job.
i'm not being a perv or anything, i'm just telling it the way i see it and how i feel about it.

sex in this weather would be phenomenal.

'discuss the appeal and the values of fantasy books and films'

yup thats what i wrote for my a levels.
man, my biggest fear is going out of point and i hope i did not do that.
i thought the whole exam was fine and dandy.
2 down, 13 to go.

just came back from watching princess diaries 2 with kit.
typical disney family movie. i suggest that you people dont watch it unless you've watched the first one or have time to kill and money to waste.
your usual chick flick.
i'm not saying that's its bad (i even laughed at some parts) , just that its not good and there are better shows.

yesterday, while i was studying in my room, my sis came in and she said that she felt that she was going to get sick.
you know, the unmistakable feeling of slipping into a sorry sickly state that you usually get prior to actually looking sorry and sickly.
that feeling.
as you people know, i had the fever last week and i'm still clogged up so i was worried that she got it from me, and like me she's in the midst of examinations; o levels.

so i told her to stick a thermometer up her mouth and take a couple of panadols and sleep early. unfortunately, and as luck would have it, i finished all the panadol and had to follow her to the shop to get some.
after getting the medicine, i wanted to get her some juice. you know pump up on the vit c and all.

as we were walking in the mall, chatting, my sis suddenly stopped talking and her eyes were fixed on something as she walked pass. she started smiling as if she was all better and the fever was non-existent. then she excaimed,

'look! the shoes that i wanted to buy!'
she, now all jaunty and smiling, trotted up to the store to try em on, fever forgotten.

women.

the a level officially starts tomorrow, kicking off with gp1 and 2.
i'm freaked. i dont even know what to study of if studying will help in the first place.
what if i cant do a single one of the 12 topics?
what if the damn compre is like the prelims?
what if i screw up my spelling? (my spelling's really bad by the way)
what if what if what if...

well at least its finally starting.

know what? i really dont like paris hilton.
sure many guys may melt in her presence (yes i do give her some credit. she knows how to use what she has) i just get somewhat disgusted.
her face seems so fake in a barbie-sorta way (botox? surgery?) that i doubt a stampede would cause so much as a dent on it.
its just unnatural, like a masculine tinge to it.
when i saw the porn video she did (yea yea i saw it. not like i went in search of it or something, believe me. i just, as is usually the case, stumbled upon it) she totally grossed me out.
how do guys get turned on by that?
i dislike everything about her, from walk to her attitude. she doesnt even have boobs for god sakes.

but then again if paris and i happen meet at a club (highly unlikely, mind you) and she wants to make out with me for some god-knows-what reason i sure as hell wont stop her. lol.

man i'm low.

hey everyone. i know i'm a little late for halloween tricks but be a sport and go here.
just type in your birthdate with some silly year so that you're 21.
and dont worry its not porn. (as if you would...)
oh yea, for full effect turn the volume up.
and for you chickens out there, fret not. this aint some freaky ghost ju-on looking kid or something.
its fun. i laughed loads.
well enough yappin, click away.

was tuned to news radio (and no i did not want to listen to it, dad was drving us to the temple and the radio was just as that frequency) and there was this discussion between the cliched distinguished panel of judges and students from st nichs and uwc.
it was titled, 'do youths care about peace?'

at first i though it was rather laughable. i mean well duh, we do care about peace. even dull headed bimbos have to care about peace at some level. i mean where are they gonna get a proper manicure if the streets are no longer safe? then again they're probably to daft to notice...

but after listening to the on-going discussion, i realise that the word 'care', in this case at least, constitutes doing something about it as well, to find solutions; an emotional link coupled with a feeling of wanting to do something about it.
which got me thinking: even if i do care about peace and all the (obviously) positive impacts it brings, what can a normal 18-year old kid do?

we have not, unlike the previous generation, suffered through war, so we have no idea what times were like and how people will react to us. we are not equipt with the necessary skills to be the next nelson mendela. we are not capable of such a large scale project. as it is, the curriculum in schools already leave us with no time to do anything else.

the least we can do is not to stir racial/ religious conflict in singapore considering that we're living in a multi-racial society and all, the same ol song if you know what i mean. this racial issue has been so drilled into us that it is now played out into real life on a subconscious level to majority of s'poreans no? other than that i cant think of anything else that a teen can do.

sure we know that peace is important and yea we care about it but c'mon, we're only teenagers. we cant handle the big stuff yet. we'll definitely do our part now on a individual level and that itself plays a huge role. as for the larger regional/global issues, i doubt that a s'porean teen can do much that will make a significant impact on the world.