blast from the past

sometime in october, i came up with a list of ten things to do and said that i'd use the end of november as a checkpoint of sorts to see how far i've gotten along. unfortunately though, i've only completed a handful of what i set out to accomplish. but i've added onto the list more stuff that i am doing or have done (ultimately to feel good about myself).
stuff that i've done are in blue.

1. to do absolutely nothing for a day

2. sign up for the basic first aid course by the red cross
-found out that i had no time. maybe next year

3. volunteer at ttsh
-they rejected me

4. clean out my cupboard and drawers

5. go shopping for clothes that i will inevitably throw out as a consequence of point 4
- so you can imagine how bare my cupboard is right now

6. get new glasses. god knows the one i'm wearing has past its prime

7. find a job (preferably something flexible though i know that i'm probably asking too much) to support my soon-to-be extravagant lifestyle

8. learn to converse in hindi. i really need to do this
- i have a feeling that this'll be one of those things that i'm never going to do

9. get a new handphone. let's just say that the one that i have needs a couple of hard whacks on the table before i can send out an sms
-i'm still with the old one and the whacks are getting harder and more frequent

10. go overseas. anywhere will do as long as i'm going without my parents
- money and time's the problem with this one

11. involved in carolling

12. sang at a wedding

13. finally bought a crumpler bag

14. studied math and organic chem


well that's about it to be honest. goodness, it so depressing to list the stuff you've done, especially if there isnt anything much to list.

cynicism - table for two please

apart from christmas bells i've been hearing, i've been plagued by another type of bell lately: wedding bells. in whatever form or image, they ring their joyful noise, spreading the message of love and the sanctity of matrimony between a man and woman. in a month alone, i've been invited to 3 weddings - a chinese wedding (well more like a chinese wedding dinner), an indian wedding and a christian wedding (ms tay's. no no, mrs foo's).

these wedding were distinctly different in terms of culture and ceremony but they all kinda mean the same thing: bringing together two people under the umbrella of marriage. and at each of these ceremonies, they attest their love for each other through vows that proclaim how one will always be there for the other, how their love will be the one to stand through it all, usually culminating in the acknowledgement that only the grim reaper and his fearful scythe can tear them apart; like the use of bleach on a stubborn stain.

in fact, the lunch-buffet part of the indian wedding just took place this afternoon. (the religious ceremony was yesterday. it was horribly long). a montage of pictures and clips were shown with sappy jazz music in the background. the bestman and the bridesmaid came up to make their little speeches about how they were perfect for each other and regaled the guests with varsity stories where the happy couple first laid eyes on each other. at the end of it all, the newly weds came up to say a few words of thanks 'to all those that came today and made it a memorable occasion' for the both of them. they also couldnt help but include some sweet, aww-inducing comments about their life partners; the groom actually especially thanked the bride's parents for getting married, for if they didnt, he wouldnt have 'this wonderful lady' standing beside him.

yes it was all pretty sweet and very romantic. i couldnt help but smile when the montage reeled on and when the speeches were made. i even had this picture in my head of them having a happy marriage, with plenty of kids that grow up to be as lucky as their parents. and as for the couple? i imagined them growing old together, sitting on a wooden bench on the porch holding hands and just enjoying each others company. nothing but just the two of them and a fufilling life with no regrets.

unfortunately reality is a harsh and bitter teacher.

as the speeches were being read (and when i wasnt kidding myself with visions of happily-ever-afters about the couple) i looked around me. sitting at the next table was my uncle who was divorced. somewhere on the other side of that table was another couple that was rumoured to have martial problems. (if youre wondering how i know these things just remember: i'm indian and this was an indian wedding. i may not know these people but everyone knows them). in another part of the ballroom was a couple that were separated. and they were sitting down, listening to the couple and their right hand man/woman talking about love and all the promises that they made to each other, just like everyone else, and smiling.

and its not only those in the ballroom. people all around the world that have been through a divorce or have re(re)married have at one point promised to love and cherish their other half. they too made promises and took sacred vows binding them till death. instead the grim reaper came too soon in the form of a john hancock on a divorce agreement. in the end, the promises remained empty and the vows, unfufilled. the essence became watered down over time and soon all that remained were just the vessels: words.

it was at this moment that i chuckled lightly and thought this to myself: can you blame me for being a cynic at times?

and in today's news

it's been about 10 days since my official ord date. and i'm sure that i dont have to tell anyone that freedom tastes fantastic. it's been remarkably easy to get back into. like when how you sit down on a bean-bag chair and the whole thing just contours to your shape and you usually dont have to do anything other than plop down and let the beans work their magic. but then again, i didnt really expect it to be that difficult considering i've been waiting for this for so long.

if you could go back about 6 months into the past and ask me to forsee what my life is going to be like after the military, i'd probably burst out into song of all the things that i would want to do. it'll be like the scene on that picturesque hill in the sound of music. the future seemed so ripe with possibilities that it felt insane for one to be cooped up in a prison 80% of the time. or maybe the future seemed so because one was cooped up in a prison 80% of the time. i guess it really doesnt matter now that that the cuffs are finally off.

i've gotten back into a choir for carolling. that surprisingly didnt come as easy as freedom. grace for one, frightened me a little. i pictured her as being strict and matriarchal as a teacher and i didnt know what to expect from her. funny how i got this image got into my head even though we went clubbing together. and on top of this i doubted my abilities as a singer. it has been a while since i was in a choir. coupled with the grace-effect, the rhetoric got the better of me. what if i make mistakes? i dont know most of the songs and what if i dont learn quick enough? would she call me out on my mistakes embarrassingly? but things turned out quite the opposite. grace was, thankfully, fun and patient and i'm getting the hang of the songs. in fact, i enjoy carolling tremedously. to quote kit, 'it doesnt seem like chritsmas without it'.

many of my army buds have already found jobs. some started immediately after once again acquiring a carte blanche status. i on the other hand have chosen not to voluntarily put on another pair of handcuffs just as yet. i have one on hold, i think, starting in december and i'm doing what i do best: teach. you might think that it being so close to december already that i should have gotten dates and times and numbers and other specifics that make a job a job, but alas i have none. i dont even know how much i'm getting paid yet. i wonder what's taking them so long? i really need to call the centre back and make sure that we are on the same page.

other than the choir practices, i've just been hanging around with friends, studying at coffee houses and fast-food joints. days just go by in a slow hazy blur. i recall having a conversation with a friend and in that conversation i was asked the day and i couldnt give it. not in the momentarily-forgot kinda way but in the i-totally-dont-know way. it's a strange feeling. sometimes at home, i look up at the clock and i wonder to myself what the guys and i would be doing in camp. most of the time it wasnt at all appealing compared to what i have now and i would feel a glimmer of thanks. but just a glimmer and it would disappear as suddenly as it came.

curtain call

it's finished. 22 months in the saf reached its end this afternoon.

i am free!