catharsis of sorts
it really is interesting how much one lets one's guard down when having a conversation with a new friend over dinner. superficially this may seem really really strange considering that you'd be careful about what you say to this new person for fear of giving him a bad impression of you or just plain scaring the poor fellow with your incessant rantings, ravings and crazy thoughts. but that's not what happens with me.
i really let go and tell almost everything; with prodding i'm sure i'd probably answer just about any question and divulge my deepest darkest secrets. the feeling of being able to say anything is fantastically liberating. this could probably be due to the fact that said person is leaving and will probably never be coming back to this little island again (yes this is an important fact isnt it?). as a result there is no fear of judgement, even if judgement is taking place, and there is no worry of repercussions. there exist a huge temptation to want to say things, do things, things you'd never want to hear yourself say even, because by saying it you might make it true and open up a can of worms (or make everything clear? that in itself is not clearly understood yet). this person becomes a way for me to throw up all that needs to be purged so that i can try and think straight.
of course, i resist.
said person will leave the country with all that i have said, never to repeat it again... or at least to anyone of consequence to me at least.
but this begs another interesting question (oh no. why am i writing like this...): why is it i am able to tell a near total stranger everything but not my closest friends? admittedly, as already mentioned, said person is leaving and taking my baggage with his luggage but shouldnt i be able to talk to dear friends about issues bugging me openly and without fear of judgement (because rightfully there shouldnt be any)? do i really believe that there will be no judgement or do i just have this belief that there will be and am i just a coward with no faith in those that are closest to me? probably both.
reticence with friends only breeds a stronger need for said person (and people that fit this criteria). this person becomes my well, a necessity for me to throw the words that i want no one to hear down into a bottomless pit.
sweet sweet irony.
