reading for dummies

the problem with reading books by coetzee, rushdie, good ol' will s. or anyone with good literary standing for that matter (hmmmm... subjective no?) is that i understand but i dont understand. i always feel that i dont get as much from the book as i can, or should, as compared to a literature student or someone who knows what literary devices are employed or what to look out for or is simply more receptive to whatever it is that we're suppose to be receptive to. i mean, i get the narrative, but that cant be it can it? sure these writers dont write for the sake of writing (again an arguable point im sure), surely they have something to say. and it irritates me that i cant get it immediately. instead i find myself on those studyguide things online after finishing a book, with nice little headings like 'chapter summary', 'themes explored' and 'test yourself'. only after reading stuff like these do i feel that little figurative bulb in my head light up and hear myself going 'wow... that's pretty cool!'

damn, i wish i could do that by myself.

post-scuba

the trip was excellent. the deep blue sea is a whole new world that deserves every bit of awe and respect you think it should. its magnificent. just as with everything wonderful, i wish we had more time, more dives and more time underwater. (curse you nitrogen!!)

its somehow ironic how the lack of lighting that we're so used to in singapore, from skyscrapers and common street lights that line every possible road we have, managed to light up the entire night sky for us. it was amazing to see all those stars just sitting there, as if waiting to be seen. i mean we know these stars are there but actually laying your eyes on them is a totally different story altogether. and to think that at this very moment, here in singapore, these stars are actually up there, right above my head, but there's absolutely nothing i can do to see them is slightly weird isnt it? isnt it worse to know that they're up there but we can see them at all? we managed to get so far here on our little island, but bit by bit, with every new bulb we fix up, we're slowly depriving ourselves of one of the most perfect views ever. we rarely even get to see shooting stars here, of which i saw four in tioman, in a span of about 15 minutes walking on the beach.

when i saw the first one, ankita told me to make a wish. now im not much of a believer in these things but i did it anyway. and then i thought about how unfortunate it is in singapore we dont see stuff like this, about how we have deprived ourselves of the simple joy of wish-making, about how they could be right over our heads, the ability to wish for whatever we want, our dreams and hopes, but we dont even know it. and then i thought about singaporeans, about how many are doing jobs they dont want to do, settling for things (home, car, life-partner) because stuff are either (more often than not) too expensive or people dont wanna wait too long. we have become a group of people who settle, and all this is nicely described as "adaptable".

all this ran through my head while i was making that one wish (its amazing, by the way, how instantaneous it seems to understand an idea when it comes to you, how it makes so much sense, but that it takes words and words and words to explain it) and at that moment i felt immense pity for singaporeans. the more we progress, the more obscure our dreams and hopes become it seems.

i dont want to be that person who settles.

open for business (yes yes... yet again. and will try to keep it that way)

well this is my... what? third attempt at restarting my blog? god only knows. i have been having such a lazy streak about me recently. but then again, last semester has been hell. much happened in my life and ive broken emotional, physical and mental boundries, none of which i would want to go into in much detail really. not that it was (all) bad, dont get me wrong, just that... i'm lazy.

not a good start to restarting my blog (yet again eh)?

well in the spirit of trashing said laziness, i shall attempt to expound... a little.

the modules i took last semester were SO BAD. well... maybe i exaggerate just a tad. on their own each of them (well most of them at least) seemed to be fun and rather promising. boy was i horribly mistaken. when you have 5 science-y modules all rolled into one semester, what you end up with is an overloaded brain full of unnecessary though somewhat fascinating facts that you have to pile on and on and on and on.... just to sit for the exams. note to self: never to this again and stay away from compuational biology.

you would think that as an inherent science dude i would consider a science-y semester heaven and easy even, but it didnt turn out like that (as with most well-laid plans). maybe im not that science-y a person after all.

the stress i experienced was another thing. and not just from the modules; i was emotionally and physically at my worst. i remember once somewhere in febuary thinking that i finally understand why people committ suicide. yes ladies and gents, thats how bad it was. but im glad its over and rest assured that my i'd rather roast my testicles on an open fire before i go through that again (though somewhere deep Deep DEEP inside i am thankful).

on the flip side, this semester saw me going to harvard which was a totally wonderful trip. great city, awesome school, fantastic people and a more liberating culture. man i wish i studied there. the more i think about it the more i feel that i would do so much better and enjoy studying much more in a liberal arts college. i mean these people get to do so much more and whatever they like. i like my education with a dash of flexibility... it adds a whole lot of flavour. i really hope i get to do my masters in the harvard school of education. that is my new academic aim in life right there.

i found out something new about myself somewhere this semester, something different. a good different. a different that allows me to be less scared, more out there, more blatant. which undeniably can be a bad thing (or a norm if youre indian), but i see it more of a good thing. i cant explain it really, which on the hindside makes it seem ridiculous that im even bother to type it down and make you the reader try and comprehend. but whatever... i'll know what i'm talking about when i read this.

and then there was usc prod 09', which was wonderful if i do say so myself (and i do, so there). i really really enjoyed the way it was done. much less fuss, simplicity. i like minimalist sort of plays, where what matters is what being said and the interactions with people. its a lot more meaningful like that i guess. too much mumbo jumbo (a flurry of motion here and a wave of movement there... like my short and sweet play going on now) and the play gets sidetracked into what seems like pointless shit.

ankita :D

now im in the midst of summer. enjoying the moments and trying not to succumb to boredom by going out here and there and trying to keep myself sufficiently occupied by giving tuition, worrying about my rapidly dwindling finances, thinking about exchange, thinking about what modules i should do next semester, getting excited about interning at ngee ann (and im the group leader. must. not. fuck. up.) and scuba diving, which has been onging this whole week. i leave for tioman tomorrow evening and im hope it'll be a fantastic trip. i want to see everything colourful... and a clown fish. yes yes its because of finding nemo. (which i have watched a gazillion times and cried everytime... you are a heartless thing if you havent shed a tear for our animated aquatic friends) i hope we have good weather and that we have sometime to just chill. i really wanna spend some quality time with ankita. havent been doing that as much as i would like to. and it being the summer and all... im never going to get a better more free-er time than now. :)

being in a relationship feels different now. it feels relaxed, not hurried. i always used to feel that i had to be doing something, to make everyday special to make her feel special and to go all out and be that special someone for her. as you can imagine, i always thought relationships to be a tad tiring. but i dont feel like that now. this is different, good different definitely. i like that we talk, even if we dont, i dont feel that i have to fill in the silence with something. everything's just great. but then again i'm only a week into it. (hmmm is that a fair statement to even make... ponders...) i'm just going to enjoy this, enjoy us and hopefully it goes somewhere. i want it to.