this too shall pass

O you, reasonable creature,

who longs for eternal life,

you've got a lesson here,

worthy of attention for the end of your life.

It's called the dance macabre.

Everyone pay attention to the dancer.

It's for men as well as women.

Death spares neither the small nor the large.

In this mirror, each of us can read that one day we'll have to dance like that.

It's wise to watch well.

Death takes the living.

You'll see the powerful go first,

because there's no one that death does not overcome.

It's a shame to think of it.

We're all made of the same clay.

we're doing irony and death in our final classes of understanding irony and it is so morbid. it's such a downer. i hate getting reminded of my own mortality. it creeps me out so.

but here's a more upbeat(?) and hence ironic piece:

Ladies and gentlemen, you have made most remarkable Progress,

and progress, I agree, is a boon

You have built more automobiles than are parkable,

Crashed the sound barrier, and may very soon

Be setting up juke boxes on the moon:

But I beg to remind you that, despite all that,

I, Death, still am and always will be Cosmocrat.

Still I sport with the young and daring; at my whim

The climber steps upon the rotten boulder,

The undertow catches boys as they swim,

The speeder steers onto the slippery shoulder:

With others I wait until they are older

Before assigning, according to my humour,

To one a coronary, to one a tumour.

Liberal my views upon religion and race;

Tax-posture, credit-rating, social ambition

Cut no ice with me. We shall meet face to face,

Despite the drugs and lies of your physician,

The costly eupemisms of the mortician:

Westchester matron and Bowery bum,

Both shall dance with me when I rattle my drum.

you would think that the voice would throw me off...




i am so addicted to this now.... does not bode well for assignments AT ALL.

a little of this, and a splash of that

school has an uncanny ability to speed time up. it's actually rather frightening. i nearly got a mini panic attack (more like a panic speed bump) really when i suddenly realised that i'm going to be in my fourth and final year next year. no more school and the laid back-ish life of a student. sigh.

im doing this module called energy where we look at energy from the different viewpoints of all the sciences (dont ask why). this few weeks we're covering the relativistic notions of energy (think einstein) and i realised after the first class, what liberties theoretical physicists take. there was this one problem we were discussing about black holes and how in a two-event horizon black hole its possible to go to the centre without getting harmed but when you come out, its another dimension. physicists look at the math and nod their heads in agreement as if its the most sensible thing in the world to conclude and us plebians down in our humble hole look at them and say to ourselves, "are you freaking serious?"

im taking another module called understanding irony. now this module is really really fun and extremely interesting. plus im finally doing a lit module, something i've been wanting to do for a long time now. but the more i go through the module the more confused i get about what irony actually is... there's irony for you.

i am totally gaining weight... what is it about living on campus and suppers that seem to somehow go hand in hand?

i cannot wait to leave for exchange. i have such plans and i want to do everything. i cant wait to visit ny, go back to harvard to visit all the people in boston, head down to dc and maybe new orleans for mardi gras and maybe even hit mexico for spring break. then europe afterwards which im really really really thrilled about. GOSH I HOPE EVERYTHING PANS OUT!

it's amazing how distracted i can get when reading up online. for eg: i was reading up on natural selection on wiki --> there was a link on polydactyly (ie having 6 digits) so i went to that --> there was a link there on hrithik roshan being a polydactyly so i went there --> and of couse there a link on his recent film jodhaa akbar (which everyone keeps talking about) so i scooted on there. this by the way is but a mere taste on what other online journeys i have taken.

science 1 fundamentalists 0

the beast

i see the lion in its den
i know it is a lion, and what that implies
i want to touch it, to pet it, to be close to it again
but it is a lion, and i know what that implies
i have felt its fur on my cheeks, its warmth against my body and even its mighty embrace
but i have also felt its sharp claws, its bite, the bite that ripped my flesh
yet i want to touch it, to pet it, to be close to it again
even though it is a lion, and i know all that it implies
it beckons, it purrs and i stand outside the mighty beast's cage,
deciding if it is still a lion, if it is still all that it implies
i tell myself no, i give myself warnings, but the purring grows stronger
the memory of warmth and flesh is strong and yearnings are strong
i see the lion, i hear the lion, and i know all that it implies
but i step into the cage, even with admonishments fresh in mind
the lion purrs and warns, "i am a lion, i am all that it implies"
yet i reach out and stroke its mane, i pat its flesh and wait for the embrace
its paws wrap around me and hold me and the warnings are still not silent,
they still go on, for it is a lion, and i should know all that it implies
indeed i do, but i return the embrace anyway
and the lion smiles, as do i
and the lion's warning rings once more, "i am still a lion, i am still all that it implies"
i nod, understanding, but i do not leave the cage,
i do not rush out afraid that i'll get hurt, for it is after all a lion, and i fear what that implies
i should rush out but truthfully i dont want to rush out
it is nice in the lion's cage, it is nice in its embrace
i warn myself, to be careful, to not let its paws wrap around too tight,
to still be weary, to watch carefully its every move,
to watch carefully my every move, to not antagonize, to not get too close
its claws and jaws have have caused much pain, pain to painful to relive
should i wait in its comforting embrace for the inevitable bite
for it is a lion, and will be all that it implies
or should i leave with my flesh intact and unhurt
i stare the beast straight in the eyes as i feel its firm grip around my back
i question "how did i come to hug a beast like you"
maybe the fault is mine for walking into the cage and not locking it shut
maybe the fault is in the beast, the audacity of it purring and beckoning after tasting flesh
faults are tiring to deal with,
what i know is i am cheek to cheek with a lion, and i must be weary
weary not to give it a chance at my flesh once again, to not allow it to shred me to bits
for it is a lion, and that implies very much

alright once again from the top

school's starting soon and as usual i cannot wait. i always cannot wait for sem 1 to start (i never feel this way about sem 2). 3 months of holidays can get boring after a while. i mean, i did do stuff nd occupied myself like scuba and going out and meeting up with people and spending time at home (not like i had a choice to do that last bit) but school means seeing friends again, chatterbox, living in pgp and general learning... and i'm not afraid to say it, i like learning.

i be a nerd and i wear my colours proudly.

though, this sem's going to be a tad sad. everyone is flying off for exchange, save for yif, moniza, myself, ank and a couple of others. so yea i will have people here that im close to but i have to say i will miss leonard muchly.

my timetable's not looking too bad this sem. much more sparse that usual which is always a good thing and i have most thursdays free, which is awesome because i've never really had a free day before. plus i'm taking really kick ass modules this semester (well most of them anyways). im doing this one usp module that im very excited about called understanding irony. im finally doing a lit class after 4 semesters. like i said, im excited because the prof is fun, the topic is interesting and my classmates are my friends (some of them at least). that said though, im pretty freaked out. i mean ive never really done lit and i dont know if i'll be good at it or if i'll just fail completely. we'll see i guess.

i think i'll have love with a side of forever

i had a very interesting conversation with yif the other day (i have to say that even though the boy is pigheaded as hell, he has the most insightful things to say when you give him the chance to… and, on a totally different point, it way too creepy how we’re really alike we are and how we seem to be going through similar issues). to sum it up, it boiled down to idea that loving someone is a choice we make. the first time i heard this idea was from another friend, and i have to say (this will come as no surprise to those who know me well) that i was quite against it. the fact that we choose to love someone seemed extremely unromantic, that the whole sh-bang of falling in love with someone is suddenly nullified. i mean, how can you expect to 'fall' in love with someone if you are making a conscious choice to love that someone? sure you can choose to be together, choose to get married and make a whole other range of choices to do with the relationship, but to choose to love...? it just seemed to contradict with everything i believed love to be and mean for me. worst of all, it made love no longer special.

but thinking about it for a bit made me realise that choosing to love someone could just be the hard cold truth that i just did not want to accept. maybe there is no fairy tale romance, no perfect someone out there, no 'falling'. you just find someone that makes you as happy as you do them and you choose to love them, you work hard at the relationship to make it work. you deal with the flaws and you compromise. in fact, i realise that i say stuff like "i want my current relationship to work". doesnt that imply that i am making a choice, for it to be a long term thing? nonetheless, i still find this very difficult to swallow (i guess most honest statments are). maybe its just me, in the process of shedding A BIT of my Romantic notions of love and me maybe confusing like/infatuation with love. i mean, infatuation and merely liking someone can come like that, the way people describe it in books and the way we see in movies, but i guess love takes time and (grudgingly i say this) choice.

this idea has forced me to think about my relationship. there was the said infatuation/like and the happy honeymoon period as it is so (annoyingly) called followed. do i love her? not yet, not in that way. there are things about her i not only do not like, but am not sure if i do, and i'm pretty sure there are things about me she dislikes as well, but as i said before, i want to make this work. why? is it because i think she's the one? or is it because i just dont wanna be alone or have reached that age where i think i should be with someone? i dont know the answer really. it's definitely not the latter but i really dont know if she's the one yet. i mean its only been barely 2 months.

should i know already? when do i choose to fall in love or not? and if the answer given to me is a sagely "you'll know when", which implies innate knowledge, then is it really a choice after all?

GAH. i'm driving myself insane with this back and forth-ness.

pgp, i can almost smell your mustiness

so the teaching attachment ended and i have to say i have learnt a lot in just that 3 weeks. it was pretty intensive, which is the way it should be i think, and i did most of what i wanted to do. mdm ashikin, THE BIO TEACHER in my books and also my coordinating teacher, was amazing and she will sure as hell not be forgotten. everytime i sat for her class, it made me realise all over again why this profession was the one for me. she sat in one of my classes even and gave me such useful comments (by the by, she said she was impressed and that im a natural teacher and that i should continue using my drama in class. it's SO GOOD to hear you dont suck at your job, especially from someone as esteemed as her).

been giving tuition lots lately, mostly because their exams are all coming. but im not complaining, i need to save lotsa cash for pgp and for exchange + europe. saving is such a bitch. im thinking that i would need 10-15K for my euro-trip alone, which'll probably be 2 months long. exchange wise, MOE's got that covered. i just have to pray that the money comes in on time. admin is always a slow process. just need to save 10-15K..... somehow.

on the bright side... i am moving back into PGP. my own space again. i cannot wait. living at home turned out to be not as bad as i expected, especially in the finance department, but nothing beats having your own place. having no one to bug you. come monday, i am king again. :)

of humidity, wind, temperature and light intensity

i left my desk 5 minutes before the bell and headed for my first class. there was sufficient time but my pace was still quick as i crossed the basketball court, and as i carried my teaching gear, the laptop, the wires, worksheets and the bio text, i felt suddenly felt like my secondary school english teacher. suddenly her seemingly perpetual rushing and muttering to herself like some mad hatter of a middle-aged lady seem to make sense.

the class was not what you would call the ideal class, full of smart little things just conscientiously flipping through the pages of textbooks trying to find out answer to burning questions on factors affecting the rate transpiration. my class was nothing like that. i arrived a few minutes before the ubiquitous bell rang, signalling not only the start of the lesson, but the start of my first official lesson in class. I WAS SO EXCITED AND SCARED YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE. but like the professional i am, i didnt not let it show. i am a firm believer that when it comes to fear, students are like dogs; they can smell it a mile away and will use it against you.

unfortunately, my first foray into teaching started out with stern mr. k. apparently, the students just finished their recesses and were strolling (and i mean s.t.r.o.l.l.i.n.g.) into class. i told them to quickly get changed because we had a lot to cover and blah blah blah and all that overused crap. some listened. some didnt. after 10 minutes it was just getting ridiculous and i just rang out in a stern commanding voice that not only they were wasting their time, they were wasting mine, which i deemed infinitely more valuable then theirs, and was not afraid to let them know this. that got their attention.

they settled down in a matter of seconds after that (pats self on back) and i got down to lesson proper. the class, despite the interesting beginning, was great. better than great in fact because it wasnt perfect. you know that sappy advertisement where the indian woman goes up to give a eulogy about her dead husband and ends off with saying something like what made him perfect was his imperfections. that was how it was actually.

the kids were rowdy, somewhat disruptive (though not uncontrollable), academically weak (which really isnt their fault) and talkative. but it was great to use these imperfections. for example, if they were disruptive and talkative, i gave them an opportunity to talk and be heard by all: "answer this question...." it may sound like a really old and boring and potentially irritating technique but when done with a little flair i have to say its damn effective. i mean, i'm a fun teacher and i make it fun (at least i like to think so) so my "punishments" are fun to and sometimes intergrated with the lesson. for example, i told this dude to stand becuase he didnt bring his text (usual protocol apparently) and, as expected, he started to slouch and not stand straight. since the lesson talked about rate of transpiration and plants wiliting, i told him not to wilt and told him to get his cells turgid or else i'll send him outside into the hot sun where his transpiration rate will further increase. this not only made him stand up straight, but the class appreciated the joke (which showed that they understood the lesson THANK GOD) and so did the guy i was punishing. all was laughing and smiling.

i would be so happy to get a class like this. contrary to popular belief a super smart class is not all that. sure the intellectual stimulation is fantastic and you can push them and all but the preparation involved is tedious and tiring. plus it can get really boring. of course, on the other spectrum, much more time has to be spent on discipline and all. but i find that in classes like the ones i taught, there was a rapport, a much more relaxed feeling. in the smarter ends, there is just lessons and smart questions... only intellectual stimulation. i guess i want stimulation of other sorts, funky kids, problem kids.

it's just more satisfying.

mr k.

so i turned 23... nothing else is going to be said about this topic.

started my teaching attachment a couple of days back. all i have to say is that it is SO TIRING, partly because i have short + sweet the entire week this week, which means me waking up at 6am and only returning home at 11pm and then doing it all over again. but i really really enjoy it.

today i sat in the class i'll be teaching next week and man are they going to be a handful. they're loud, talkative, lazy, not motivated and a bunch of smart-asses generally. but for next week they are going to be my smart-asses.... and i am really looking forward to it.

their usual bio teacher, the one i'm mentoring essentially, is AMAZING. she handles it like a pro and gets whatever she needs done despite all the crap that is thrown her way. its really fantastic to see how she twist and turns her way around her students and how she handles them and eventually get the job done. a real pro. a real demanding pro though, so i am a little bit nervous at the same time. hope it goes well and i dont get swallowed by a class of 40 notorious kids.

short + sweet has been so tiring. i will probably never do this again unless the company and/or script is amazing. the first show was yesterday and it was good and all, but i really dont think we're top two material. and if we get it, it'll just be because the others overshot their 10:29 timing and were disqualified. i really dont wanna get in though.... such an incredible amount of energy is required and i really want to get this over and done with asap so that i can concentrate on the attachment and hanging out with ank, who leaving for prague on like the 17th. not been seing much of her lately and really wanna hang out with her as much as i can. when school starts we'll be busy-ish and before you know it it's the exams. after that, she's off to india and im going on exchange. we wont be on the same continent for about 7 months, missing both our 6th and 1-year anniversary. i keep thinking that we might not survive that pseudo long-dist thing, for whatever stupid reason that i choose to torture myself with, but god im not going to let that happen.

reading for dummies

the problem with reading books by coetzee, rushdie, good ol' will s. or anyone with good literary standing for that matter (hmmmm... subjective no?) is that i understand but i dont understand. i always feel that i dont get as much from the book as i can, or should, as compared to a literature student or someone who knows what literary devices are employed or what to look out for or is simply more receptive to whatever it is that we're suppose to be receptive to. i mean, i get the narrative, but that cant be it can it? sure these writers dont write for the sake of writing (again an arguable point im sure), surely they have something to say. and it irritates me that i cant get it immediately. instead i find myself on those studyguide things online after finishing a book, with nice little headings like 'chapter summary', 'themes explored' and 'test yourself'. only after reading stuff like these do i feel that little figurative bulb in my head light up and hear myself going 'wow... that's pretty cool!'

damn, i wish i could do that by myself.

post-scuba

the trip was excellent. the deep blue sea is a whole new world that deserves every bit of awe and respect you think it should. its magnificent. just as with everything wonderful, i wish we had more time, more dives and more time underwater. (curse you nitrogen!!)

its somehow ironic how the lack of lighting that we're so used to in singapore, from skyscrapers and common street lights that line every possible road we have, managed to light up the entire night sky for us. it was amazing to see all those stars just sitting there, as if waiting to be seen. i mean we know these stars are there but actually laying your eyes on them is a totally different story altogether. and to think that at this very moment, here in singapore, these stars are actually up there, right above my head, but there's absolutely nothing i can do to see them is slightly weird isnt it? isnt it worse to know that they're up there but we can see them at all? we managed to get so far here on our little island, but bit by bit, with every new bulb we fix up, we're slowly depriving ourselves of one of the most perfect views ever. we rarely even get to see shooting stars here, of which i saw four in tioman, in a span of about 15 minutes walking on the beach.

when i saw the first one, ankita told me to make a wish. now im not much of a believer in these things but i did it anyway. and then i thought about how unfortunate it is in singapore we dont see stuff like this, about how we have deprived ourselves of the simple joy of wish-making, about how they could be right over our heads, the ability to wish for whatever we want, our dreams and hopes, but we dont even know it. and then i thought about singaporeans, about how many are doing jobs they dont want to do, settling for things (home, car, life-partner) because stuff are either (more often than not) too expensive or people dont wanna wait too long. we have become a group of people who settle, and all this is nicely described as "adaptable".

all this ran through my head while i was making that one wish (its amazing, by the way, how instantaneous it seems to understand an idea when it comes to you, how it makes so much sense, but that it takes words and words and words to explain it) and at that moment i felt immense pity for singaporeans. the more we progress, the more obscure our dreams and hopes become it seems.

i dont want to be that person who settles.

open for business (yes yes... yet again. and will try to keep it that way)

well this is my... what? third attempt at restarting my blog? god only knows. i have been having such a lazy streak about me recently. but then again, last semester has been hell. much happened in my life and ive broken emotional, physical and mental boundries, none of which i would want to go into in much detail really. not that it was (all) bad, dont get me wrong, just that... i'm lazy.

not a good start to restarting my blog (yet again eh)?

well in the spirit of trashing said laziness, i shall attempt to expound... a little.

the modules i took last semester were SO BAD. well... maybe i exaggerate just a tad. on their own each of them (well most of them at least) seemed to be fun and rather promising. boy was i horribly mistaken. when you have 5 science-y modules all rolled into one semester, what you end up with is an overloaded brain full of unnecessary though somewhat fascinating facts that you have to pile on and on and on and on.... just to sit for the exams. note to self: never to this again and stay away from compuational biology.

you would think that as an inherent science dude i would consider a science-y semester heaven and easy even, but it didnt turn out like that (as with most well-laid plans). maybe im not that science-y a person after all.

the stress i experienced was another thing. and not just from the modules; i was emotionally and physically at my worst. i remember once somewhere in febuary thinking that i finally understand why people committ suicide. yes ladies and gents, thats how bad it was. but im glad its over and rest assured that my i'd rather roast my testicles on an open fire before i go through that again (though somewhere deep Deep DEEP inside i am thankful).

on the flip side, this semester saw me going to harvard which was a totally wonderful trip. great city, awesome school, fantastic people and a more liberating culture. man i wish i studied there. the more i think about it the more i feel that i would do so much better and enjoy studying much more in a liberal arts college. i mean these people get to do so much more and whatever they like. i like my education with a dash of flexibility... it adds a whole lot of flavour. i really hope i get to do my masters in the harvard school of education. that is my new academic aim in life right there.

i found out something new about myself somewhere this semester, something different. a good different. a different that allows me to be less scared, more out there, more blatant. which undeniably can be a bad thing (or a norm if youre indian), but i see it more of a good thing. i cant explain it really, which on the hindside makes it seem ridiculous that im even bother to type it down and make you the reader try and comprehend. but whatever... i'll know what i'm talking about when i read this.

and then there was usc prod 09', which was wonderful if i do say so myself (and i do, so there). i really really enjoyed the way it was done. much less fuss, simplicity. i like minimalist sort of plays, where what matters is what being said and the interactions with people. its a lot more meaningful like that i guess. too much mumbo jumbo (a flurry of motion here and a wave of movement there... like my short and sweet play going on now) and the play gets sidetracked into what seems like pointless shit.

ankita :D

now im in the midst of summer. enjoying the moments and trying not to succumb to boredom by going out here and there and trying to keep myself sufficiently occupied by giving tuition, worrying about my rapidly dwindling finances, thinking about exchange, thinking about what modules i should do next semester, getting excited about interning at ngee ann (and im the group leader. must. not. fuck. up.) and scuba diving, which has been onging this whole week. i leave for tioman tomorrow evening and im hope it'll be a fantastic trip. i want to see everything colourful... and a clown fish. yes yes its because of finding nemo. (which i have watched a gazillion times and cried everytime... you are a heartless thing if you havent shed a tear for our animated aquatic friends) i hope we have good weather and that we have sometime to just chill. i really wanna spend some quality time with ankita. havent been doing that as much as i would like to. and it being the summer and all... im never going to get a better more free-er time than now. :)

being in a relationship feels different now. it feels relaxed, not hurried. i always used to feel that i had to be doing something, to make everyday special to make her feel special and to go all out and be that special someone for her. as you can imagine, i always thought relationships to be a tad tiring. but i dont feel like that now. this is different, good different definitely. i like that we talk, even if we dont, i dont feel that i have to fill in the silence with something. everything's just great. but then again i'm only a week into it. (hmmm is that a fair statement to even make... ponders...) i'm just going to enjoy this, enjoy us and hopefully it goes somewhere. i want it to.

sinking feeling

i'm at 22.

o.m.g.

21 didnt sound too bad. in fact it sounded somewhat exciting, considering the usual hype over the age. but it came and gone, and now i'm 22. i feel like i should be somewhere in life at 22. but i dont know where and i dont know if i should even feel this way.

the older i get the sadder i get, not because i mind getting that old (not much anyway), more because i constantly think i havent done enough. and also the time is coming for me to think about bigger more adult crap things and i dont wanna. can you say peter pan complex?

am i belittling all that i have done?

i have been such a busy little bee it aint funny.

assignments are piling up (though i have to say that after this week i shall be rid of most of them), the finals are coming (3 damn papers to plough through) and of course camp to plan. terribly busy i am/have been/will be for coming months.

thankfully though saving grace (i.e. the musical that i was involved in) is over.

o.v.e.r.

i thought i would be super overjoyed once it was all done and over with, but i was totally sad. and i didnt see this emotion coming at all. relief, yes; happiness, definitely; but never sad. and yet that's what i felt. plus, more than anything, it was the people i missed.

i made many friends and bettered a few relationships during the whole (tediously annoying) process of productions. though we complained like old ladies everytime we had rehearsals it was nice to all come together and have fun over a silly script and songs, some of which are fantastic. and of course to bitch like there was no tomorrow.

i guess it's normal to suffer from shit like that after investing so much time and effort into the whole thing and after spending almost all your free time with these people. you seem lost after a while and try to get your life back on track.

well i guess i have camp to look forward to since i'm gonna work with these people all over again.

oh oh oh!!!

i'm applying to go to the himalayas next month. it's a biodiversity trip and students get to explore the wildlife and the diversity there. how cool is it to study biodiversity all the way in the fantastic and scenic himalayas? i do hope i get it; only 20 slots and i'm sure its very popular.

ah well... little baby steps... first things first, finals.