home bittersweet home

i learnt something about myself recently. it wasnt something that i didnt know per se. it was more like something that i chose to ignore, chucked aside in the innards of my mind so that i would not have to accept it as a fact.

i recently attented the usp camp sometime last week or so. the camp was utterly enjoyable and immensely fun. maybe it's increased maturity, or maybe it's because i decided to go into camp with an open non-critical mindset, but i never realised how easy it was making conversation with people i have only laid eyes. the people were fun and the games we played were even more so. fright night was fantastic! the work that was put in made it all so real and interesting. i kept laughing and being scared all at the same time.

enough side tracking...

throughout camp, i had one thought in my mind. though it wasnt constant like an aching headache, it kept rearing it's ugly head now and then. i kept thinking about home. i kept thinking especially about my brother's work and about my house itself. and before you wet yourself with thinking that it's so sweet, i was feeling infuriated with myself.

all my teenage life, i've wanted to distant myself away from home. not that home is bad or anything, it's just that i want to have my own thing for me. but when i'm finally away from them, that's all i can think about. it's truly irritating and i'm angry with myself for feeling like this, coming across all indecisive and not knowing what i really want, which, by the way, can be extrapolated to my life in general.

now when i think about my future in a hostel and possible student exchanges i want to have, there is this huge heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach that i cant get rid of. it feels like i'm gnawing the ropes that has me tethered to home while at the same time, tying one more around the very thing i'm 'escaping' from.

what the hell do i want?

cold feet

i went over to nus this morning, bright and early at 10 (it's bright and early to me) to help usp out with rag and to get my accomodation at pgpr finalised. (i'll be in block 15, 3rd floor, room j. i cant wait to move into my own little haven!)

today was the first time i would be meeting my seniors and i have to admit that a small part of me was filled with this childish fear and anxiousness. i dont even know why i felt like this. maybe it was because i knew deep down that these were the people that i would be working with for some part of my uni life and with usp being a really small group, i'm bound to bump into them often. i was hoping that they would be people i'd like and people that'll like me.

i feel like monica (friends: i have an uncontrollable urge to please people)

thankfully, as you would expect, my fears and anxieties came to naught. most of them were really nice people and very welcoming. so much so that it was quite overwhelming. some of them were pretty lame and silly (in fact most of their jokes and casual conversation are and i kept picturing kit and i sniggering at them) but they were still nice folks.

but because they are in the usp, there was a sort of expectation that came tagged along and in this case, unlike in my previous baseless fears, i was not wrong. these people are bloody brilliant. they know so many things and are totally not afraid to call you out if you are wrong or to fight to the verbal death their cause or argument. it's actually quite intimidating; imagine being classmates with 20 or so of this creatures.

in fact, they're all so steadfast in their points-of-view and thier beliefs, it's really quite amazing that they are actually get along.

when i left, i was second guessing my joining the usp. what if i just cant produce good work? what if i cant formulate good enough arguments that can be moulded into a coherent thesis? what if i'm just not good enough?

the standard what-ifs duely ensued and worry started to fill me up to the brim.

thankfully, i've been through this lack-of-confidence stage enough times to recongnise it for what it is: just jitters.

doesnt mean though that i'm not at all frightened out of my wits to give a presentation to this group of people, which i undoubtedly will do at least once in my uni life. but for now i'm trying not to let that bug me... too much.

hullabaloo

live earth kicked of slightly over 3 hours ago first in sydney australia and, soon after, in tokyo japan. the us and london are due to start their own respective concerts soon and with the likes of madonna and r.h.c.p. who are expected to grace the stage, it'll probably be one heck of a party.

singapore, unfortuntely, is probably less important to warrant a globally televised concert on its shores but 'organisers' have encouraged people to wear green over the weekends and all the television logos on the top right hand side of your screen has gone (insanely ugly) green to lend their 'support'to this noble cause.

all this hullabaloo is aimed at raising awarness to the fact that the deadly global warming is upon us and we have to do something about it now or risk the very real threat of melting icecaps, raising sea levels that will probably wipe out low lying countries and our ever increasing endangered wildlife. as if most of the developed/ing world (where the concerts are being held and televised) didn't know about it already.

if you ask me, this whole thing, albeit cool and interesting, is just the same old story; only now it's nicely wrapped up, with one of those perky ribbons on the front, like a christmas gift from crabtree and evelyn.

will this concert actually do anything other than be one of those events that will undoubtedly go down in history?

in singapore, other than the concerted effort to raise awarness and the pledges of support that are being made both on television and at plaza singapura, this seems to be nothing more than a promotion for a unique concert, that we're not directly a part of.

furthermore, 3 out of the 7-part live earth pledge reads:

To demand that my country join an international treaty within the next 2 years that cuts global warming pollution by 90% in developed countries and by more than half worldwide in time for the next generation to inherit a healthy earth;

To fight for a moratorium on the construction of any new generating facility that burns coal without the capacity to safely trap and store CO2;

To fight for laws and policies that expand the use of renewable sources and reduce dependance on oil and coal;

notice they all begin with 'to demand' or 'to fight'? i hate to say this (and i hope that i'm proven wrong), but i doubt that most singaporeans will bother to even step up to this challenge and keep the pledge that they make. most just dont want to shoulder more responsibility and many will probably just wash their hands of the whole thing and go back to their normal lives. another factor might be a well fostered fear of not meddling in politics and letting the big guns deal with these matters. to demand or fight for anything in this country might very well result in you being incarcerated.

the best that the concert can do for singapore is to raise awarness. the next step is up to the goverment to make it easier for singaporeans to take their first step to do their part. to be honest, wearing green during the weekends is actually really stupid. must we really wear green to show our support? does that do anything remotely helpful? does the shirt absorb carbon dioxide as we walk about? to me it sends out a bad message: wear green to support live earth (FULL STOP).

instead i think that the government or other organising committees should instead give out compact fluorescent lightbulbs to folks and encourage them to switch to these better, more energy saving bulbs. they could also encourage carpooling at work at least once a week.

i know it sounds like i'm being one of those people that are shirking responsibility, waiting for the government to do something before i do, but the concept of live earth is to globally monumental to totally apply to a small island like singapore. we need to cut it down to size. we need to come up with something that is more applicable to us singaporeans, something that we can do.

the big 2 1

i'm 21.

this is how i feel...

...old.

to be sixteen again.

sing fat lady sing

the fat lady has finally hit the high note and the last day of work (full-time at least) came to an end on friday. i'm officially a part-timer, only working on mondays, fridays and sundays. this really isnt too bad compared to the 5.5 day work week i've had to endure for 7 months.

gosh 7 months! i never really thought i'd hold out for so long.

i'm really going to miss my fantastic colleagues. i had so much fun with them bitching and all. who'd ever thought that a 30+ year old chinese housewife, a 24 year old malay and me, a 20-soon-to-be-21 year old indian would turn out to be great friends. we're like a campaign for multi-racialism or something.

and of course the wonderful kids i had. undeniably, there were some that i was really glad to say goodbye to but on the whole i'm really gonna miss them all.

this job has really taught me alot about teaching and just work in general. i'm not gonna go into unnecessary details and all that but after teaching secondary school kids, i have to say i'm not all that eager to get into a secondary school. in fact, if at all possible, i'd prefer going to a jc.

but it's all still too early to set anything into stone. i may change my mind again. it's not an wasy decision.

now that i have so much more free time to look forward to, it's strangely exhilarating. i can finally start going back to the gym, start reading my books, study without interruption, start shopping, start going to the movies on a weekday evening, start doing absolutely anything i want to before school starts in a month or so.

i'm so excited i think i could probably out-belch lady viking.