home bittersweet home

i learnt something about myself recently. it wasnt something that i didnt know per se. it was more like something that i chose to ignore, chucked aside in the innards of my mind so that i would not have to accept it as a fact.

i recently attented the usp camp sometime last week or so. the camp was utterly enjoyable and immensely fun. maybe it's increased maturity, or maybe it's because i decided to go into camp with an open non-critical mindset, but i never realised how easy it was making conversation with people i have only laid eyes. the people were fun and the games we played were even more so. fright night was fantastic! the work that was put in made it all so real and interesting. i kept laughing and being scared all at the same time.

enough side tracking...

throughout camp, i had one thought in my mind. though it wasnt constant like an aching headache, it kept rearing it's ugly head now and then. i kept thinking about home. i kept thinking especially about my brother's work and about my house itself. and before you wet yourself with thinking that it's so sweet, i was feeling infuriated with myself.

all my teenage life, i've wanted to distant myself away from home. not that home is bad or anything, it's just that i want to have my own thing for me. but when i'm finally away from them, that's all i can think about. it's truly irritating and i'm angry with myself for feeling like this, coming across all indecisive and not knowing what i really want, which, by the way, can be extrapolated to my life in general.

now when i think about my future in a hostel and possible student exchanges i want to have, there is this huge heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach that i cant get rid of. it feels like i'm gnawing the ropes that has me tethered to home while at the same time, tying one more around the very thing i'm 'escaping' from.

what the hell do i want?