if i am capable of grasping objectively, i do not believe, but precisely because i cannot, i must believe. if i wish to preserve myself in faith, i must constantly be intent upon holding fast the objective uncertainty, so as to remain out upon the deep, over seventy thousand fathoms of water, still preserving my faith.

søren kierkegaard, 19th century philosopher on the existence of god.

my blog is two years, a month and two weeks old! that's unbelievably long. and the year is almost coming to an end... sheesh, time does fly when you think about it.

and i have no problems with that at all.

i was on my way to tampines mall with my little bro to watch narnia (which is really good by the way. a good mix of harry and lord of the rings. i really liked being immersed in a fantasy world) when i bumped into my father's friend. so i did what we all do when we meet people we dont really know, have polite necessary converstaion. you know the usual bit about what i'm doing now, what i'll be doing later... that kinda stuff.

anyway, we were about to go our separate ways and on the topic of me going to uni after army when he said, 'your father expects alot from you. study hard.' i freaked. i experienced that emotion spike that i usually experience with 'big' news (no 14. on 50 things that make me me). i felt fear and total oh-my-god-ness mixed with a good dash of oh-no-ness.

the whole thought of someone expecting something (in this case, alot) from me just scared me so bad. i of course responded with a yes and thanks and all that usual stuff, but inside, that emotional spike was bad.

i really think it's because i'm so afraid of disappointing my dad (or any other person for that matter). the goals i set for myself i usually reach because i usually think for the worst. and in cases where i dont get what i expect i handle my disappointment well. what mean by that is that i'd know how i'd react and that, sooner or later, i'd get over it; no point in crying over spilt milk and all that.

but how would others who expect something from me feel when i under-perform? and this form of disappointment just seemed so much more real than other types. it felt so much more possible and tangible. pressure kicked in. the whole thing just made me feel something that i dont usually feel... and i freaked.

i can handle myself but dont want to disappoint anybody, especially my family.

holiday woes:

you know it's christmas when the guy next to you is whistling 'o holy night' as he takes a leaks.

*********************************************

scene - on the train looking out at the platform of city hall.

kit: if there was a train at the other side, people would be dashing for it.
me: (some agreeable comment)
kit: if it were snowing, they'd be dashing through the snow! (laughs)
me: !!!

sick

went to kit's place yesterday night. we cooked supper. it was a strange sense of domestication. it's not like i haven't felt 'domesticated' before. daph, kit, mel and myself have done various activities or have participated in many different get-togethers that can fall under this category. but yesterday was amplified. probably becasue we were actually cooking the food and that two people were only involved. it was very domesticated. not that i'm against it or anything. just new to it.

but dinner turned out fine. the japanese chicken curry we made was edible. though i have to say that we had too little chicken and too much potatoes and carrots. so it kinda was vegetable curry with sprinkles of chicken bits. we had fun in the kitchen and even made ice-cream, which tasted like frozen condensed milk if you ask me.

after the dinner, we watched eric khoo's mee pok man. the show was so disturbing (owing to the fact that the mee pok fellow was necrophillic) that kit asked for it to be stopped. the body of the dead girl that he kept with him in his house was seriously decaying and it was so sick to see him hold her and kiss her and stuff like that. seriously not a post-dinner movie.

oh and kit, we stopped it 5 minutes shy of the ending. it ended with scenes of him kissing the dead gal (now totally blue with decomposition) and with scenes of the stall where he works at and of the red light district going back to normal, as if nothing at all happened. very eric khoo.

50 things that make me me.



1. i talk to myself. a lot. i even tell myself to stop talking to myself. now how the hell is that normal? now what is it, you might ask, that i find so interesting that i feel a need to share it with myself? anything i'm afraid (especially when i'm trying to sort out my emotions), and that means a whole lot of soliloquy goin' on. and the worse bit is i actually get stares from people. must be the gesticulating in public.

2. i find just standing in the library with all those books and people very 'liberating'. so much knowledge, so many trying to gain it. everything and anything in there, all you need to do is pick up a book youre as good as halfway there. it's like the whole world, it's past, present and probable future, condensed.

3. i am a nerd and i am proud of it. (i probably should have put this before number 2 as a warning).

4. two things that i probably will never understand are politics and economics.

5. i cannot give advice. sure, i can say things that might comfort you, but i'll probably tell you things that you'd already know. so it'll be totally pointless. i am however a good listener, or so i've been told. guess you cant be both.

6. i don't like dressing up. many already know this i'm sure (which is probably why it's in the 50 things that make me me). dont get me wrong, if we're going somewhere posh or someplace ritzy, i'll (grudgingly) do the place justice. but i just cannot understand why many like to dress up when they go to places like orchard or any other palce in town; even for a simple dinner and/or movie. all you guys, i know, are always bugging me to wear jeans and stuff when i come out for some wining and dining in town, but i really dont see why i have to. it's just town. am i trying to impress anyone? is there a dresscode? i sure as hell dont think so. it's just a matter of comfort and ease.

7. i find humour in the strangest and sometimes the most inappropriate of places. a friend once told me of a kid whose father died because of nose cancer and i just laughed. you must think that i'm one insenitive bastard but i really couldnt help it. nose cancer!

8. i cannot spell for nuts. if you want proof, just ask me to spell something and most of the time, i'll get it wrong. i even have dictionary.com up on another window so that i can check words up and make sure that they're properly spelt. absolutly patehtic.

9. i find in difficult to talk to anyone about my emotions. and do you want to know why? (daph and kit probably have their noses up to the screen right about now). i am really complicated. i say this not to make myself sound interesting (that's just plain sad), it just is. so when something hits me, something about anyone or anything, a point of view, a certain feeling that i'm feeling because of a situation, my head (and heart and gut) goes crazy. i get so many different responses that i take time to sort them out and tell you what i really feel, because i myself dont really know. its like getting slapped on the face, pinched on your fouth toe on the right foot, bitten on your left ear lobe and getting your hair pulled all at the same time. you take time to differentiate which pain is coming from which action. this is probably why i contradict myself so much. this is also why i am not good vocally when it comes to airing my emotions out to dry, even though i choose that mode of communication (most of the time). sometimes i admit, i bottle my emotions. okay, okay... all the time. sieving through what you feel is no easy feat, one does get weary.

10. i hate it when people underestimate me. it makes me so mad. i did not go through so much to come so far to be underestimated you sorry sonofabitch.

11. since we're on sonofabitches... the first time i came across the word 'sonofabitch' in print was in a stephen king book when i was about 14, i pronounced it so-no-fo-bitch. i thought it was one of those american slangs that i just havent heard of yet.

12. when you're telling me something that your best-friend's sister's girlfriend's mother said about you that ticked you off, S-L-O-W D-O-W-N. i need to visualise random people in my head to actually get to where you are. daph'll probably understand this best (a testament to her complicated life).

13. i take most compliments the way cats take to water. i just cannot accept it. i start feeling uncomfortable.

14. when something good happens to me (something like getting the a level results or being told that i was to be valedictorian) i, naturally, felt happy and proud. the funny thing is i experience this emotion at one shot. it's a spike of happiness, then back to normalcy. dont get me wrong, i'll still be happy and proud but the emotion is much lessened, like thinking of a really good birthday celebrated with friends. same goes with disappointment (like the day i got the mail stating that i was rejected by nus's faculty of medicine). a similar spike and i'm done. i dont know why i manage it this way, nor do i know if it's healthyor not. but i do know that it is strange.

15. i hate being treated like a kid. i'm 19 going on 20! i know what to do and what not to do, so back off.

16. fate. i dont believe in it. i think i blogged about it once. the notion that things are pre-destined for me and you and just about everything in our known universe is just plain silly. sure i believe that we are destined for something but whether we get there or not depends on the choices we make, not on the choices that a higher being chooses for us, and fools us into thinking that this freedom of choice is ours. i just dont agree with it.

17. i hate the fact that i cannot study and 'know' everything so i can help everyone but that i must choose to specialise in something so that i can truly benefit people on a more substantial level.

18. i really dont give a damn what most people think about me. some people think that this shield i put up is some show, but i really dont give jack.

19. my friends. i will definitely not be who i am today if it wasn't for the whole lot of em'.

20. i believe that there is someone out there for everyone. it's not just something i say as a post-breakup comment or a self-consolation. there really is someone out there. (yes kit... for you too).

21. the only sport i'm into is jogging (if that even qualifies as a sport).

22. i know that i am too nice for my own good, especially with strangers. my mom has longed warned me about this. the whole thing about people taking advantage of you and all that jazz. i get it but i can handle myself and i know what to do and what not to do. though i have to admit that not doing the thing that you want to do sometimes sucks.

23. i have a compulsive sweeping disorder.

24. i love the fact that i am witty. (i'm not being conceited. i'm just honest. so just nod in agreement). it is unfortunate that melvyn and kit have to fall victims to it most of the time but i have to say that i really love it when i can come up with a quick retort just like that and it'll be even better in mel and i can go into a repartee. i have no idea where these things come from (sometimes from the victims themselves). however i do know that i can sometimes go overboard which is why i consider myself lucky to have good friends. believe me, i really dont say the awful ones that sneak into my head.

25. i love the beach.

26. i'm definitely not a materialistic person. but i aint no amish either. i dont need the latest mobile phones, i dont need the new chic clothes, i dont need to have the latest gadgets, i dont need to visit the hair stylist, i dont need accessories. i just need stuff that works properly and that's user-friendly. i dont need to have all the new stuff or extra add-ons to make me feel confortable and confident. i'm already there.

27. i love my siblings.

28. home kish vs. out kish. totally different people. siblings, they change everything.

29. dont keep repeating the same thing to me. it's annoying. if i've acknowledged the first time, what makes you think that it'll be any different the next 25 times!?

30. i cannot give advice. sure, i can say things that might comfort you, but i'll probably tell you things that you'd already know. so it'll be totally pointless. i am however a good listener, or so i've been told. guess you cant be both.

31. i work best at night. the switch on my brain is flipped to hyperdrive once the sun goes down. i get all these weird ideas and witty retorts for melvyn and kit and even for the stuff i do or say (to myself i'm afraid). unfortuntely, i'm in camp for most of the week and that means sleeping early. as a result i just lie in bed and type all my ideas and some of my retorts (the really good ones) onto my phone and save em' as messages. if you think that's weird then, whatever. to each his own.

32. i am too thick skinned.

33. i have nothing against pre-marital sex. if it happens it happens. but i definitely believe in taking resposibility for your actions.

34. i have adopted the habit of wearing a cap where ever i go. it started with the fact that my hair got shaved off my head at the start of ns, but i just never stopped, and so it became a habit. plus, my hair is really thick and unmanagable, so why even bother styling it when i can just cap it up?

35. i have two left feet and will only attempt humiliating myself in clubs after a couple of shots (or as kit calls em', veritas serum) when everything just doesnt matter anymore.

36. i am an agnostic. i have my issues with the big guy and need to settle some things out with him first before even accepting the idea of religon and god. one of the main issues that i need cleared out is evolution. i am on darwin's side of the fence on this. i really cannot accept that the world was made in seven days and that adam and eve were conveniently placed in a garden made by god himself. i mean really. i just have too much of a scientific mind to agree to that based solely on faith alone.

37. i believe that there is a song for every occasion.

38. i think that clubbing is enjoyable but i understand what people mean when they say that you'll most likely get bored of it really fast. it really is all the same no matter where you go. plus the boomin music and all really resticts conversation, and simple entertaining conversation is my idea of a good outing. just gimmie the booze and let's head somewhere to get pissed.

39. i am a certified tech-idiot. but i am trying to make an effort to learn. (i'm starting to think that it's no use though).

40. i really cannot see myself as a 30 year old man. i'm approaching twenty and i still feel like a 16 year old kid. it's not that i'm seriously childish, but i'm definitely not the epitome of mature either. i'll make a really weird adult. i may have a peter pan complex going on.

41. i love scary movies and enjoy getting scared. i don't understand why some others don't. it really is quite fun, to scream and then laugh about it later and realise how silly it all was.

42. i am not afraid to apologise for saying something wrong, but i will not apologise for being honest.

43. i love cartoons. i dont think i'll ever get sick of it. i'm not just talking about the age old tom and jerry or the equally ancient bugs bunny. those are all fine and dandy, but what i'm referring to are cartoons that have taken a serious mature twist. stuff like the simpsons, family guy, sheep in the big city are just filled with adult humour (not adult as in sex, but adult as in more mature). it's just hilarious. (another reason why i typed down no. 40)

44. i really want to try out living alone. sure living with friends may be a hoot, but i wanna try out the alone thing first. though, i am pretty sure i'll start feeling homesick in a matter of weeks.

45. i will try anything (well almost anything, just in case you crazy bitches start thinking of weird ass things for me to do after quoting me on this) at least once for the experience. i mean, c'mon you only live once and hey, you might as well make the best of it right?

46. i think that foreplay is way sexier than sex itself.

47. i have a thing for new zealand. i just really want to ge there and spend a couple of months there roaming like the cows do.

48. my favourite time of the day is sunset because it means that the day is done and night is approaching. and we all know that night time is my time.

49. i am not afraid to make fun of myself. i think that this is an important character that many should have, but dont.

50. i am, contrary to popular belief, maturing.


there it is, my attempt at self-discovery laid out like petals plucked of the rose (or like thorns of the cactus if the former analogy rubs you wrong). 50 things that make me me. frankly, i am surprised that i could actually dig up so much. ah well, i guess that what happens when you keep things even from yourself.

was skimming through kay's blog and i realised that i have not blogged about the goblet. tsk tsk tsk. such punishable behaviour i have displayed.

well its no surprise that the movie was a major let down. where was the quidditch? why was the dragon fighting scene not what it was in the book? why did the movie not follow certain things in the book? why did certain parts just hang in the air, unfinished, like a lingering orgasm? it was terribly annoying. and yes before the masses start rebutting, i know that it is difficult to reproduce an exact copy of the book on screen but they could've at least made it more similar. i mean this movie had serious chunks taken out. i said CHUNKS, not bits. sure the movie would have been longer, but hey i'm willing to sit through another hour for the goblet if necessary, and i'll bet my ass crack that i'm not the only one. the phenomenon that is harry potter has spawned a huge pool of fans worldwide and they'll probably sit through any number of hours to watch a respectable movie that's as true to the literature as humanly possible.

but i have to say that it was nice to be put in the whole harry potter world once again through the magic of cinema. so even though i came out feeling disappointed, i didnt come out felling that i wasted 8.50 on crap, the exact way that you fools who watched chicken little would feel.

its december! the last freaking month of this wretched year. i know i will definitely be happy when this year is over. 11 more months in the freaking army and i'm out and my life will pick up once again from this current temporary moratorium. i know many of you are probably sick of hearing about this but hey, this helps.

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