i was on my way to tampines mall with my little bro to watch narnia (which is really good by the way. a good mix of harry and lord of the rings. i really liked being immersed in a fantasy world) when i bumped into my father's friend. so i did what we all do when we meet people we dont really know, have polite necessary converstaion. you know the usual bit about what i'm doing now, what i'll be doing later... that kinda stuff.

anyway, we were about to go our separate ways and on the topic of me going to uni after army when he said, 'your father expects alot from you. study hard.' i freaked. i experienced that emotion spike that i usually experience with 'big' news (no 14. on 50 things that make me me). i felt fear and total oh-my-god-ness mixed with a good dash of oh-no-ness.

the whole thought of someone expecting something (in this case, alot) from me just scared me so bad. i of course responded with a yes and thanks and all that usual stuff, but inside, that emotional spike was bad.

i really think it's because i'm so afraid of disappointing my dad (or any other person for that matter). the goals i set for myself i usually reach because i usually think for the worst. and in cases where i dont get what i expect i handle my disappointment well. what mean by that is that i'd know how i'd react and that, sooner or later, i'd get over it; no point in crying over spilt milk and all that.

but how would others who expect something from me feel when i under-perform? and this form of disappointment just seemed so much more real than other types. it felt so much more possible and tangible. pressure kicked in. the whole thing just made me feel something that i dont usually feel... and i freaked.

i can handle myself but dont want to disappoint anybody, especially my family.