my eighteenth birthday.
my previous post was typed down when i came back from drinking with jeremy, shu hui, shah, neeta, zhen yi and cassie.
and yes, from what i remembered its all true.
i still feel the same as i did when i typed all those words down, maybe even more now that i'm sober.
i love her.
i got high after the tequila shot and lets just say that cassie got high somewhere around that cos i honestly dont remember.
then we all just went around hugging each other and feeling really happy.
i dont know if she knows this but i kept looking at her, how pretty she looked, how good her hair looked like that how her eyes made me just melt into goo.
it felt really... well it felt really nice.
then the next thing i knew i was beside her talking i think and well we started touching, holding hands and stuff, caressing and then we hugged i think.
then she told me what i did not want to hear.
she said that what happened that day will remain only for that day.
tears just came out from no where and then she said,
save your first kiss for someone you love.
so i kissed her.
it was the most fantastic feeling i felt. kissing the one person you feel so strongly about.
of course the rest tried to stop us but somehow we kissed again for a minute plus and like i said it was beautiful.
after that they pulled us back again and i walked away and started crying.
i cried like a big baby.
crying because i felt sad, miserable, guilty. did i take advantage of her? did she feel what i felt cos she did say that she wished things could be different and that we just cant start anything new. why? i didnt ask but maybe its something to do with her leaving for aust in december.
i shouldve asked, but i was too sad i guess.
she also started crying (i think) and when i saw that i nearly lost it. i think i twisted jeremy's arm (sorry) so that i could get to her. but jeremy and zhen yi pulled me back. it was weird but i couldnt stop myself.
i was worried.
i cried somemore and this time i felt what i thought i'd never feel.
i felt heartbroken.
it was horrible.
jeremy and zhen yi sent me home and yea that's about it.

now, i dunno what i 'm feeling. i still like her but what am i to do about it. people say move on but ha! i'd like to see em do it.
i just hope she's okay.
i should talk to her.
my eighteenth birthday.