out with the old/old is gold

a cousin of mine recently got married. he's my cousin from my dad's side of the family, so for those who know me well enough you'll know that we're not exactly chummy. polite smiles, uncomfortable silences, standard almost cue-card-like conversations... there's bound to be situations like that in every family right? well in my case, it the whole set of relatives on the paternal side.

but that's not what this is about...

the wedding was a very, very, very long affair; about 3 days, or at least the bit i was involved in. not continuously for 3 days but just spread out over. the wedding itself was really grand with lots of dancing from the groom's (my cousin's) house all the way to the reception hall where an old school hindu wedding was carried out. it was very entertaining at some points, especially the parts where we were told to dance... just because. it's like after certain points in the procession at the grooms home, we suddenly had to break out into a dance.

maybe i am getting ahead of myself.

the hindu wedding, or at least the one that im referring to, had several parts: a prayer at the groom's home just before he leaves to meet his betrothed, one just before he enters the wedding hall to meet the betrothed (in hindi its referred to as the door prayer. so you can almost imagine the groom at the doorstep of the bride's home, coming to marry her and take her away kinda scenario) and lastly, the sh-bang, the wedding itself... yes the one you see in hindi movies where the walk around the fire and all that.

let me tell you though that bollywood has thankfully but down a 4 hour procession (just the last bit mind you was 4 hours) to mere minutes, unless of course a showstopping bollywood number is sandwiched somewhere between.

now that we have the order down let me get to my main beef with all this...

throughout these various prayers and processions, many strange things took place. for example, during one of the prayers, the groom had to make gestures with his and told to switch to other gestures as indicated by the priest during certain parts of the procession. he was also told to do a variety of things with various fruits and the bride's brother (haha... that statement is funny)

now the groom is 25/26 years old and he did not speak hindi well and he barely understood what or why he was doing what he was doing. most of it had to translated to him, at least what the priest said in hindi... most of the time he was jabbering in sanskrit.

even the processions themselves, the meaning behind them... do we really know what they mean? what they stand for? im very very sure my parents do not. my mother for one, belongs to the group of people who does things because it has always been the way. meaning to her seems secondary. it seems enough knowing that it is done. some of my aunts seem to know what they were supposed to be doing... in fact a couple seemed to be running the entire show which was pretty impressive. but i still wonder if they knew why they were doing whatever it is they were doing.

are there stories behind all these things? or maybe lessons? isnt it important to know all of it, especially since it is part of such an important time in your life? and what if, after learning all those things, those stories, those lessons, they dont resonant with you anymore? it just isnt who you are and not how you want to express your undying love to your wife/husband?

should we just carry on with traditions like these just because they are just that?

sigh... i guess it is important right? i mean this makes us who we are and it is a link to our past and our culture is something that should not be forsaken.

but it just seems all too complicated.

take that walt

its that time of the year again

exams.

i. want. to. die. its is immensely tiring. i know that this is a rather masturbatory post but this is after all a blog (the epitome of masturbation). and its amazing how easily distracted i get during the exams. i have never bejeweled so much in my life, i deliberately extend phone conversations with my mom (i even call her and home more frequently during exam periods), i come up with lame excuses not to study or to stall (for example: i'll carry on after a 5 minute walk to get some fresh air)... even this blog post is an obvious attempt at delaying.

most of the exchange administration has been done... i even applied for housing and booked the air tickets too: for the 24th 1115am to new york (with changing over at hong kong). i'll be flying cathay... dont know what that means really but i didnt have a choice in choosing the flight, with moe paying and all, i had to choose the cheapest. just thankful it isnt united (took that when i went to boston... man did in suck)

the plan in to spend 24th of dec - 3rd of jan (christmas and new year) in new york and then off to the west coast to do some travelling before school starts on the 14th (i think). after school its off to europe! really excited (as i have probably said a gazillion times) but the thought of all that packing (and not to mention packing for winter and summer) is just so irritating and troublesome. but i guess i have to do it at some point...

we did hit a little road block with accommodation at new york: we were suppose to stay at a friend's aunt's place (for free which is great obviously) but that is now up in the air. because we only found out so late, prices for a 2 week stay in new york is ridiculous. so we dont know what we're going to do yet. leonard's looking on his side and i'm trying to narrow down choices for hostels and all... but looks like we might have to spend more than expected.

it is rather worrying yes, but i really hope we find something reasonable soon...

this too shall pass

O you, reasonable creature,
who longs for eternal life,
you've got a lesson here,
worthy of attention for the end of your life.
It's called the dance macabre.
Everyone pay attention to the dancer.
It's for men as well as women.
Death spares neither the small nor the large.
In this mirror, each of us can read that one day we'll have to dance like that.
It's wise to watch well.
Death takes the living.
You'll see the powerful go first,
because there's no one that death does not overcome.
It's a shame to think of it.
We're all made of the same clay.



we're doing irony and death in our final classes of understanding irony and it is so morbid. it's such a downer. i hate getting reminded of my own mortality. it creeps me out so.

but here's a more upbeat(?) and hence ironic piece:



Ladies and gentlemen, you have made most remarkable Progress,
and progress, I agree, is a boon
You have built more automobiles than are parkable,
Crashed the sound barrier, and may very soon
Be setting up juke boxes on the moon:
But I beg to remind you that, despite all that,
I, Death, still am and always will be Cosmocrat.
Still I sport with the young and daring; at my whim
The climber steps upon the rotten boulder,
The undertow catches boys as they swim,
The speeder steers onto the slippery shoulder:
With others I wait until they are older
Before assigning, according to my humour,
To one a coronary, to one a tumour.
Liberal my views upon religion and race;
Tax-posture, credit-rating, social ambition
Cut no ice with me. We shall meet face to face,
Despite the drugs and lies of your physician,
The costly eupemisms of the mortician:
Westchester matron and Bowery bum,
Both shall dance with me when I rattle my drum

you would think that the voice would throw me off...




i am so addicted to this now.... does not bode well for assignments AT ALL.

a little of this, and a splash of that

school has an uncanny ability to speed time up. it's actually rather frightening. i nearly got a mini panic attack (more like a panic speed bump) really when i suddenly realised that i'm going to be in my fourth and final year next year. no more school and the laid back-ish life of a student. sigh.

im doing this module called energy where we look at energy from the different viewpoints of all the sciences (dont ask why). this few weeks we're covering the relativistic notions of energy (think einstein) and i realised after the first class, what liberties theoretical physicists take. there was this one problem we were discussing about black holes and how in a two-event horizon black hole its possible to go to the centre without getting harmed but when you come out, its another dimension. physicists look at the math and nod their heads in agreement as if its the most sensible thing in the world to conclude and us plebians down in our humble hole look at them and say to ourselves, "are you freaking serious?"

im taking another module called understanding irony. now this module is really really fun and extremely interesting. plus im finally doing a lit module, something i've been wanting to do for a long time now. but the more i go through the module the more confused i get about what irony actually is... there's irony for you.

i am totally gaining weight... what is it about living on campus and suppers that seem to somehow go hand in hand?

i cannot wait to leave for exchange. i have such plans and i want to do everything. i cant wait to visit ny, go back to harvard to visit all the people in boston, head down to dc and maybe new orleans for mardi gras and maybe even hit mexico for spring break. then europe afterwards which im really really really thrilled about. GOSH I HOPE EVERYTHING PANS OUT!

it's amazing how distracted i can get when reading up online. for eg: i was reading up on natural selection on wiki --> there was a link on polydactyly (ie having 6 digits) so i went to that --> there was a link there on hrithik roshan being a polydactyly so i went there --> and of couse there a link on his recent film jodhaa akbar (which everyone keeps talking about) so i scooted on there. this by the way is but a mere taste on what other online journeys i have taken.

science 1 fundamentalists 0

the beast

i see the lion in its den
i know it is a lion, and what that implies
i want to touch it, to pet it, to be close to it again
but it is a lion, and i know what that implies
i have felt its fur on my cheeks, its warmth against my body and even its mighty embrace
but i have also felt its sharp claws, its bite, the bite that ripped my flesh
yet i want to touch it, to pet it, to be close to it again
even though it is a lion, and i know all that it implies
it beckons, it purrs and i stand outside the mighty beast's cage,
deciding if it is still a lion, if it is still all that it implies
i tell myself no, i give myself warnings, but the purring grows stronger
the memory of warmth and flesh is strong and yearnings are strong
i see the lion, i hear the lion, and i know all that it implies
but i step into the cage, even with admonishments fresh in mind
the lion purrs and warns, "i am a lion, i am all that it implies"
yet i reach out and stroke its mane, i pat its flesh and wait for the embrace
its paws wrap around me and hold me and the warnings are still not silent,
they still go on, for it is a lion, and i should know all that it implies
indeed i do, but i return the embrace anyway
and the lion smiles, as do i
and the lion's warning rings once more, "i am still a lion, i am still all that it implies"
i nod, understanding, but i do not leave the cage,
i do not rush out afraid that i'll get hurt, for it is after all a lion, and i fear what that implies
i should rush out but truthfully i dont want to rush out
it is nice in the lion's cage, it is nice in its embrace
i warn myself, to be careful, to not let its paws wrap around too tight,
to still be weary, to watch carefully its every move,
to watch carefully my every move, to not antagonize, to not get too close
its claws and jaws have have caused much pain, pain to painful to relive
should i wait in its comforting embrace for the inevitable bite
for it is a lion, and will be all that it implies
or should i leave with my flesh intact and unhurt
i stare the beast straight in the eyes as i feel its firm grip around my back
i question "how did i come to hug a beast like you"
maybe the fault is mine for walking into the cage and not locking it shut
maybe the fault is in the beast, the audacity of it purring and beckoning after tasting flesh
faults are tiring to deal with,
what i know is i am cheek to cheek with a lion, and i must be weary
weary not to give it a chance at my flesh once again, to not allow it to shred me to bits
for it is a lion, and that implies very much

alright once again from the top

school's starting soon and as usual i cannot wait. i always cannot wait for sem 1 to start (i never feel this way about sem 2). 3 months of holidays can get boring after a while. i mean, i did do stuff nd occupied myself like scuba and going out and meeting up with people and spending time at home (not like i had a choice to do that last bit) but school means seeing friends again, chatterbox, living in pgp and general learning... and i'm not afraid to say it, i like learning.

i be a nerd and i wear my colours proudly.

though, this sem's going to be a tad sad. everyone is flying off for exchange, save for yif, moniza, myself, ank and a couple of others. so yea i will have people here that im close to but i have to say i will miss leonard muchly.

my timetable's not looking too bad this sem. much more sparse that usual which is always a good thing and i have most thursdays free, which is awesome because i've never really had a free day before. plus i'm taking really kick ass modules this semester (well most of them anyways). im doing this one usp module that im very excited about called understanding irony. im finally doing a lit class after 4 semesters. like i said, im excited because the prof is fun, the topic is interesting and my classmates are my friends (some of them at least). that said though, im pretty freaked out. i mean ive never really done lit and i dont know if i'll be good at it or if i'll just fail completely. we'll see i guess.

i think i'll have love with a side of forever

i had a very interesting conversation with yif the other day (i have to say that even though the boy is pigheaded as hell, he has the most insightful things to say when you give him the chance to… and, on a totally different point, it way too creepy how we’re really alike we are and how we seem to be going through similar issues). to sum it up, it boiled down to idea that loving someone is a choice we make. the first time i heard this idea was from another friend, and i have to say (this will come as no surprise to those who know me well) that i was quite against it. the fact that we choose to love someone seemed extremely unromantic, that the whole sh-bang of falling in love with someone is suddenly nullified. i mean, how can you expect to 'fall' in love with someone if you are making a conscious choice to love that someone? sure you can choose to be together, choose to get married and make a whole other range of choices to do with the relationship, but to choose to love...? it just seemed to contradict with everything i believed love to be and mean for me. worst of all, it made love no longer special.

but thinking about it for a bit made me realise that choosing to love someone could just be the hard cold truth that i just did not want to accept. maybe there is no fairy tale romance, no perfect someone out there, no 'falling'. you just find someone that makes you as happy as you do them and you choose to love them, you work hard at the relationship to make it work. you deal with the flaws and you compromise. in fact, i realise that i say stuff like "i want my current relationship to work". doesnt that imply that i am making a choice, for it to be a long term thing? nonetheless, i still find this very difficult to swallow (i guess most honest statments are). maybe its just me, in the process of shedding A BIT of my Romantic notions of love and me maybe confusing like/infatuation with love. i mean, infatuation and merely liking someone can come like that, the way people describe it in books and the way we see in movies, but i guess love takes time and (grudgingly i say this) choice.

this idea has forced me to think about my relationship. there was the said infatuation/like and the happy honeymoon period as it is so (annoyingly) called followed. do i love her? not yet, not in that way. there are things about her i not only do not like, but am not sure if i do, and i'm pretty sure there are things about me she dislikes as well, but as i said before, i want to make this work. why? is it because i think she's the one? or is it because i just dont wanna be alone or have reached that age where i think i should be with someone? i dont know the answer really. it's definitely not the latter but i really dont know if she's the one yet. i mean its only been barely 2 months.

should i know already? when do i choose to fall in love or not? and if the answer given to me is a sagely "you'll know when", which implies innate knowledge, then is it really a choice after all?

GAH. i'm driving myself insane with this back and forth-ness.

pgp, i can almost smell your mustiness

so the teaching attachment ended and i have to say i have learnt a lot in just that 3 weeks. it was pretty intensive, which is the way it should be i think, and i did most of what i wanted to do. mdm ashikin, THE BIO TEACHER in my books and also my coordinating teacher, was amazing and she will sure as hell not be forgotten. everytime i sat for her class, it made me realise all over again why this profession was the one for me. she sat in one of my classes even and gave me such useful comments (by the by, she said she was impressed and that im a natural teacher and that i should continue using my drama in class. it's SO GOOD to hear you dont suck at your job, especially from someone as esteemed as her).

been giving tuition lots lately, mostly because their exams are all coming. but im not complaining, i need to save lotsa cash for pgp and for exchange + europe. saving is such a bitch. im thinking that i would need 10-15K for my euro-trip alone, which'll probably be 2 months long. exchange wise, MOE's got that covered. i just have to pray that the money comes in on time. admin is always a slow process. just need to save 10-15K..... somehow.

on the bright side... i am moving back into PGP. my own space again. i cannot wait. living at home turned out to be not as bad as i expected, especially in the finance department, but nothing beats having your own place. having no one to bug you. come monday, i am king again. :)

of humidity, wind, temperature and light intensity

i left my desk 5 minutes before the bell and headed for my first class. there was sufficient time but my pace was still quick as i crossed the basketball court, and as i carried my teaching gear, the laptop, the wires, worksheets and the bio text, i felt suddenly felt like my secondary school english teacher. suddenly her seemingly perpetual rushing and muttering to herself like some mad hatter of a middle-aged lady seem to make sense.

the class was not what you would call the ideal class, full of smart little things just conscientiously flipping through the pages of textbooks trying to find out answer to burning questions on factors affecting the rate transpiration. my class was nothing like that. i arrived a few minutes before the ubiquitous bell rang, signalling not only the start of the lesson, but the start of my first official lesson in class. I WAS SO EXCITED AND SCARED YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE. but like the professional i am, i didnt not let it show. i am a firm believer that when it comes to fear, students are like dogs; they can smell it a mile away and will use it against you.

unfortunately, my first foray into teaching started out with stern mr. k. apparently, the students just finished their recesses and were strolling (and i mean s.t.r.o.l.l.i.n.g.) into class. i told them to quickly get changed because we had a lot to cover and blah blah blah and all that overused crap. some listened. some didnt. after 10 minutes it was just getting ridiculous and i just rang out in a stern commanding voice that not only they were wasting their time, they were wasting mine, which i deemed infinitely more valuable then theirs, and was not afraid to let them know this. that got their attention.

they settled down in a matter of seconds after that (pats self on back) and i got down to lesson proper. the class, despite the interesting beginning, was great. better than great in fact because it wasnt perfect. you know that sappy advertisement where the indian woman goes up to give a eulogy about her dead husband and ends off with saying something like what made him perfect was his imperfections. that was how it was actually.

the kids were rowdy, somewhat disruptive (though not uncontrollable), academically weak (which really isnt their fault) and talkative. but it was great to use these imperfections. for example, if they were disruptive and talkative, i gave them an opportunity to talk and be heard by all: "answer this question...." it may sound like a really old and boring and potentially irritating technique but when done with a little flair i have to say its damn effective. i mean, i'm a fun teacher and i make it fun (at least i like to think so) so my "punishments" are fun to and sometimes intergrated with the lesson. for example, i told this dude to stand becuase he didnt bring his text (usual protocol apparently) and, as expected, he started to slouch and not stand straight. since the lesson talked about rate of transpiration and plants wiliting, i told him not to wilt and told him to get his cells turgid or else i'll send him outside into the hot sun where his transpiration rate will further increase. this not only made him stand up straight, but the class appreciated the joke (which showed that they understood the lesson THANK GOD) and so did the guy i was punishing. all was laughing and smiling.

i would be so happy to get a class like this. contrary to popular belief a super smart class is not all that. sure the intellectual stimulation is fantastic and you can push them and all but the preparation involved is tedious and tiring. plus it can get really boring. of course, on the other spectrum, much more time has to be spent on discipline and all. but i find that in classes like the ones i taught, there was a rapport, a much more relaxed feeling. in the smarter ends, there is just lessons and smart questions... only intellectual stimulation. i guess i want stimulation of other sorts, funky kids, problem kids.

it's just more satisfying.

mr k.

so i turned 23... nothing else is going to be said about this topic.

started my teaching attachment a couple of days back. all i have to say is that it is SO TIRING, partly because i have short + sweet the entire week this week, which means me waking up at 6am and only returning home at 11pm and then doing it all over again. but i really really enjoy it.

today i sat in the class i'll be teaching next week and man are they going to be a handful. they're loud, talkative, lazy, not motivated and a bunch of smart-asses generally. but for next week they are going to be my smart-asses.... and i am really looking forward to it.

their usual bio teacher, the one i'm mentoring essentially, is AMAZING. she handles it like a pro and gets whatever she needs done despite all the crap that is thrown her way. its really fantastic to see how she twist and turns her way around her students and how she handles them and eventually get the job done. a real pro. a real demanding pro though, so i am a little bit nervous at the same time. hope it goes well and i dont get swallowed by a class of 40 notorious kids.

short + sweet has been so tiring. i will probably never do this again unless the company and/or script is amazing. the first show was yesterday and it was good and all, but i really dont think we're top two material. and if we get it, it'll just be because the others overshot their 10:29 timing and were disqualified. i really dont wanna get in though.... such an incredible amount of energy is required and i really want to get this over and done with asap so that i can concentrate on the attachment and hanging out with ank, who leaving for prague on like the 17th. not been seing much of her lately and really wanna hang out with her as much as i can. when school starts we'll be busy-ish and before you know it it's the exams. after that, she's off to india and im going on exchange. we wont be on the same continent for about 7 months, missing both our 6th and 1-year anniversary. i keep thinking that we might not survive that pseudo long-dist thing, for whatever stupid reason that i choose to torture myself with, but god im not going to let that happen.

reading for dummies

the problem with reading books by coetzee, rushdie, good ol' will s. or anyone with good literary standing for that matter (hmmmm... subjective no?) is that i understand but i dont understand. i always feel that i dont get as much from the book as i can, or should, as compared to a literature student or someone who knows what literary devices are employed or what to look out for or is simply more receptive to whatever it is that we're suppose to be receptive to. i mean, i get the narrative, but that cant be it can it? sure these writers dont write for the sake of writing (again an arguable point im sure), surely they have something to say. and it irritates me that i cant get it immediately. instead i find myself on those studyguide things online after finishing a book, with nice little headings like 'chapter summary', 'themes explored' and 'test yourself'. only after reading stuff like these do i feel that little figurative bulb in my head light up and hear myself going 'wow... that's pretty cool!'

damn, i wish i could do that by myself.

post-scuba

the trip was excellent. the deep blue sea is a whole new world that deserves every bit of awe and respect you think it should. its magnificent. just as with everything wonderful, i wish we had more time, more dives and more time underwater. (curse you nitrogen!!)

its somehow ironic how the lack of lighting that we're so used to in singapore, from skyscrapers and common street lights that line every possible road we have, managed to light up the entire night sky for us. it was amazing to see all those stars just sitting there, as if waiting to be seen. i mean we know these stars are there but actually laying your eyes on them is a totally different story altogether. and to think that at this very moment, here in singapore, these stars are actually up there, right above my head, but there's absolutely nothing i can do to see them is slightly weird isnt it? isnt it worse to know that they're up there but we can see them at all? we managed to get so far here on our little island, but bit by bit, with every new bulb we fix up, we're slowly depriving ourselves of one of the most perfect views ever. we rarely even get to see shooting stars here, of which i saw four in tioman, in a span of about 15 minutes walking on the beach.

when i saw the first one, ankita told me to make a wish. now im not much of a believer in these things but i did it anyway. and then i thought about how unfortunate it is in singapore we dont see stuff like this, about how we have deprived ourselves of the simple joy of wish-making, about how they could be right over our heads, the ability to wish for whatever we want, our dreams and hopes, but we dont even know it. and then i thought about singaporeans, about how many are doing jobs they dont want to do, settling for things (home, car, life-partner) because stuff are either (more often than not) too expensive or people dont wanna wait too long. we have become a group of people who settle, and all this is nicely described as "adaptable".

all this ran through my head while i was making that one wish (its amazing, by the way, how instantaneous it seems to understand an idea when it comes to you, how it makes so much sense, but that it takes words and words and words to explain it) and at that moment i felt immense pity for singaporeans. the more we progress, the more obscure our dreams and hopes become it seems.

i dont want to be that person who settles.