dear lord...

i know that my relationship with the intelligent creator has never really been a clear one. i'm always caught in the middle with the concept of god as i try to balance science and theology, trying my very best to marry them as one. as a result, i end up with a see-saw relationship with the almighty.

but that's besides the point.

when i pray though, (i know that by merely stating that now it may be slightly ironic, but hey...) i always believe that it should be simple. my concept of prayer is to communicate with god and communication is best left at its most basic and uncomplicated. a minute worth of pure, unadulterted, uninterrupted observance, i'd like to believe, is more than enough for both me and the big guy. be it a prayer of thanks, the usual i-need-help-please-be-there plea or the rare kind where one just talks to god just because... no reason needed, the short and simple orison is more preferred to calling out god's cheerleading squad.

after all isnt beauty found in the simplest of things?

much ado about nothing

work has been tiring to say the very least. but on the upside it has been a whole lotta fun. i realised sometime ago that ironically this will be the most stressful year yet. and, also ironically, the stress isnt really mine.

starting the week-long vegetarian diet tomorrow in preparation for thaipusam the next week. i hate being a vegetarian especially when i have to be out alot. do you have any idea how difficult and next to impossible it is to get vegetarian food outside? its such a great hassle. but at least it's only for a week.

the usp registration has finally opened and i'm just waiting for chinese new year to write up my admissions essay. i havent got the time to do it now when i'm working. i've got a couple of titles down but havent really decided which to really go for yet.

i'll have the bitter resentment and a side of self loathing, thanks.

i hate the feeling i get when i see someone i havent for a long time and find out that they're doing what i want to do. it's a mix of every single emotion, with a distinct taste of jealously. i start to compare myself and the aforementioned person and i almost always feel that i am better and that they do not deserve what they get; it should be me instead in their shoes.

and because i am acutely aware of my malicious thoughts, i immediately regret it and feel shame. i then regret the decisions made and words said that put me in this position to be able to get hurt in the first place; the decisions and words that have prevented me from doing what i want to do.

i start to wallow it my own pool of self-pitying filth until i start consoling myself, which is infinitely worse. and what makes it even more so is the fact that i am aware of my attempts to lift my spirits with self-praise.

this just continues until i feel better though the process itself plays no part in the end result.

its complicated and extremely frustrating.

blasé

did it not feel like a regular monday? only without the work bit? man, i must be getting too old (way) too fast.