i'll have the bitter resentment and a side of self loathing, thanks.

i hate the feeling i get when i see someone i havent for a long time and find out that they're doing what i want to do. it's a mix of every single emotion, with a distinct taste of jealously. i start to compare myself and the aforementioned person and i almost always feel that i am better and that they do not deserve what they get; it should be me instead in their shoes.

and because i am acutely aware of my malicious thoughts, i immediately regret it and feel shame. i then regret the decisions made and words said that put me in this position to be able to get hurt in the first place; the decisions and words that have prevented me from doing what i want to do.

i start to wallow it my own pool of self-pitying filth until i start consoling myself, which is infinitely worse. and what makes it even more so is the fact that i am aware of my attempts to lift my spirits with self-praise.

this just continues until i feel better though the process itself plays no part in the end result.

its complicated and extremely frustrating.